break

sorry i havent posted for a while. life caught up with me.

so ive been eating like a normal person for days now. havent had the heart to weigh myself. my life is so much better with ana.

i am SO FUCKING SORE from tumbling/conditioning. phew. ok i wont whine about it any more :]

monday: conditioning/tumbling
tuesday: cheer practice/game
wednesday: cheer practice
thursday: conditioning/tumbling
friday: cheer practice/game

i need to stop eating. the problem is, at school i get hunger pains really easily because i dont eat breakfast and im walking around all the time. they get really bad (worse than cramps) and my stomach makes rumbling noises. ive tried chewing gum but i end up chewing like 9 sticks and at the moment i dont have any more :[

im going to go to bed now. night.

xoxo

grrrrr.

good news: I started tumbling lessons and softball conditioning. I absolutely fail at tumbling but I've decided to not let the judgement of the other girls bother me, becaue we all have to start somewhere. i can tell that il be burning alot of calories with those combined.

bad news: I ate like a normal person again today. hunger pains were ripping at my stomach by the time lunch rolled around, and normally I would be so happy but all I was concerned about was getting something to eat before I passed out.

anyway, tomorrows goal is 100 cals. don't really have any excersizing I need to do, but I do have a girls basketball game I'm cheering at after school. I want to be at least 20 pounds lighter by march for my 15th birthday.

xoxo

fuckin wagon

fell off the wagon. mustve eaten 1200 cals today. hopefully next week will be better because i have conditioning everyday after school.
good news is that i was 165.8 this morning. guessing back up to 170 tonight.

bad news. last night i let myself think about how much i would love for a guy to love me. then i thought about my bestfriend who went to a different highschool. then i thought of school and homework. and i kinda spiraled. ended up cutting on my hip. never done it anywhere but my wrist before. kinda scary, but i knew i couldn't have people seeing it with all the shit i have this week. ohhhhh well. hope scars wont show when i have a bathing suit on. summers a while off anyway :/

homework homework homework, how i hate you. going to bed soon if i can finish. gah.

xoxo

a quickie.

ate nothing today till we went over to an old friends house for dinner. ate it all, plus dessert.

have a shit ton of stuff coming up with school, softball and cheer. i want to see if i can get private lessons for cheer- im hoping to make varsity next year but you need your back handspring.

feeling like a fat cow again. i see fat fat fat in the mirror... again. after i gorged myself the other day my weight went back up to 170.

something i dont understand- i starve and beat myself up for over a week to loose 5 pounds, but eat like a normal person for one day AND GAIN IT ALL BACK?! FIVE FUCKING POUNDS?!?

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xoxo

this year

this year, i want to grow more distant from my family. i want to grow closer to ana, and let her shape and mold my body until im perfect. i want to fall in love. i want to be truly happy for once. i want to go to bed and not toss and turn for hours with worry and anxiety. i want to escape the life that has caged me and start new. i want to be loved and adored, happy and popular. all of this with ana by my side.

amen.
xoxo