concert freak out

so this whole concert thing is really getting me down.

im going with my best friend who used to have an eating discorder and isn't fully recovered. when im with her i always seem to trigger her because im fat, even though i always make sure to eat less than she does when im around her. so i trigger her, and then she stops eating and then i feel like shit. and her mom knows and all, but i just texted her asking her if she wanted me to make some yummy food tomorrow and she said "no sorry i don't eat on concert days" I DONT EAT ON FUCKING CONCERT DAYS?! what the fuck? and now all i can do is think about how much i've had today and im thinking of ways that i can loose as much weight as possible by tomorrow.

we're eating dinner before we go to the concert and im afraid she's just not going to eat anything at the restaurant and make me feel really awkward. we're meeting some of her friends from tumblr there, and on top of me worrying that she'll abandon me for them almost all of them have eating disorders. AND IM FAT AS FUCK. im so ashamed. this is so hard. i don't even want to go anymore, but i do, but i just dont want to go with someone who will make me think of my weight the entire time.

i was thinking of doing a quick salwater flush, but im scared of putting salt in my body because salt reatains water, but then im just scared to drink water at all because of adding weight, and i know i need to go work out but i pass out so easilly when i havent eaten anything. ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

but i want this concert to be the start of a fast, however long. i'll drink water today, no water tomorrow and then i'll see how long i can go. hopefully i'll make it to wednesday (i've never been good with fasts).

if i'm doing to starve i was thinking of drinking a protien shake right before the concert because i DO NOT want to pass out in the mosh pit. NOT FUN. but then we're going to dinner before, should i eat food there? if my friend doesnt eat anything, it will look awkward if i dont eat anything either. her mom will understand if she doesnt want to eat anything, but will make me eat something. just because im not her child.

i just typed all of that in literally like 180 seconds. i need to chill out. but im freaking and literally weighing myself every hour. i need to look skinnyer. this fucking sucks. if my friend hadnt even mentioned eating food, i NEVER would have started thinking about this at all. i feel like shit when i eat around her. uggh.

xoxo