boys

well, the fast lasted until my mother sat me down and made me eat a bowl of rice, even though i told her i wasnt feeling well. i know that she has no idea that i dont eat, shes just concerned that im not getting my "daily protein intake" (im a vegetarian). i thought about purging, but the walls are so thin in my house they would be able to hear, even with the water on.

i actually exercised today. situps, pushups, a mile run. nothing really big but i was exhausted after. now i know why i hate exercising. falling starlight had a good idea about trying yoga, and i have the wii fit so im gonna try some of that tonight. also i need to start to get back in shape for softball season.

you see, i have this issue with boys. i have only had one boyfriend, and he was a total mistake. but i have this feeling where i need to be loved and comforted by a guy, which is really screwing my life up. im at the stage in my life where ALL of my friends have boyfriends, and im the odd one out. i learned how to suppress these feelings all throughout 8th grade but now their coming back again. i was up till 4am last night just thinking about how much i would love for a guy to love me. but i know that no guy will ever love me if im still this fat. so, ive decided to channel my longing for a guy into devotion to ana until i am at least 120, then i will let myself look for a guy. its going to be really hard, but i think i can do it.

its easy to not eat while my mom is out. i neeeeed to go out and be social. ive been stuck in the house for the past 2 weeks and i feel like a vegetable :[

new goal: 150 by jan 11 (see my previous "food and hugs" for whom i am going to be seeing :]]]). overall goal: i want to sit down and not have a fat roll. i want a concave tummy alllll the time :]]

xoxo