Update!

Blue bra: April 2013, ~160lbs (110lbs muscle)

Pink bra: January 2011, ~185 lbs (100lbs muscle)

April '13 (160lbs) - Jan '11 (185lbs)

April '13 - Jan '11

April '13 - Jan '11

Top: April '13,  Bottom: Dec '12 

Proud to say I've gone from having no backhandspring to having a clean standing bhs, series jumps to bhs, r/o double, standing tuck and r/o tuck. Working on series jumps to tuck and standing bhs to tuck (my quads are my best friends, can you tell? haha) 

To anyone struggling: your body deserves more. feed it heathy food and push it hard (in moderation of course). Don't starve it and let it break down. You deserve better, you deserve to be beautiful. You only get one body and one life, dont spend it hating yourself or your body. Go out and get strong and beautiful. At one point I NEVER thought I could do this (read this blog and believe it for yourself); but I did. and I still am. 

You will never lose weight by hating and punishing yourself. You have to be positive, be able to get back up when you fall off the wagon or have a shitty day. And that takes self-love and determination.

Say this out loud, right now: I deserve to be as beautiful on the outside as I know I am on the inside. I can do this. 

I deserve to be as beautiful on the outside as I know I am on the inside. I can do this. 

-N

hi world

hey everyone who still checks this blog(:

i just wanted to let yall know that i'm still alive. i'm happy to say that my disordered eating and warped thoughts have substantially decreased, to the point where i feel like a normal member of society.

right now i'm just trying to be healthy; lots of water, fruits and veggies, carbs protiens and fats in the right amount. i'm not focusing on how much i weigh, but instead i'm measuring and trying to reduce my body fat percentage. i do cardio and weightlifting whenever i can fit into my schedule.

it wouldnt be fair to say that i love myself now; i do have my low days. i'm trying to be happy with myself before i seek happiness in others. if i hated myself this process wouldnt be possible: living a healthy lifestyle is hard for me. its much easier to fall back into being lazy and eating shit. putting myself down wouldnt make this process any easier. instead i remind myself that i'm worth it, and that i deserve to be happy and look as beautiful and healthy as i feel.

reading my past blog posts tears open a still healing part of me. but i'm leaving them up, to let people know that you can change your life and way of thinking if you are so unhappy with the way your life is. feed your body beautiful natural food to be beautiful; i hurts me to see others suffering just as i've suffered, miserable, hungry and in so much pain both physically and mentally.

i love you all, no matter your size. and you deserve better than the misery this mental state causes. you can learn to be happy and beautiful, just as i have.

xoxo n

breakfast:
coffe + creamer (120 cals, ?g protein)
1c kashi go lean cereal (140 cals, 13g protein)

snack:
4 sushi (173 cals, 4g protein)
grape soda (180 cals, 0g protien)

so far: 613 cals, 17g protein

ok, so i messed up on the grape soda. but whatever. i'll just eat an egg white before practice and a protein bar for dinner and call it even :]

hiatus

sorry for the hiatus.

long story short, after my last post my depression kind of caught up with me again. And then I sprained the ligaments in my ankle at cheer practice and was on crutches for 2 weeks, i have to wear a brace 24/7 and i'm still not allowed to jump or tumble at practice. i don't know if you knew but cheer is my life, so that didn't really help with the depression thing. i'm on painkillers a lot and i just have to sit and watch people at practice which kills me.

i also gained weight because i stopped my phys. ed routine, so now i'm up to 185. its kind of gross. i'm not even going to think about spring break thats in a week (i'm going to florida in a week), but i need to loose some of this extra weight. i'm just going to try to eat <1000 calories and pray my body doesn't go into starvation mode. i need to start drinking lots of water and eating lots of protein (68g).

breakfast:
1 cup rice chex (100 cals, 2 g protein)
1 mango (130 cals, 1g protein)
1 egg white (17 cals, 4g protein)

lunch:
1/2 chipotle burrito (437 cals, 12g protien)

total so far: 684 cals, 19 g protein

down to 175.1. going on a diet, hope to get some diet pills soon. new goal: 160 by my birthday (march 15)

xoxo

i was doing so well.

last sunday morning i weighed 172.8. i was so close to breaking into the 160s. so close, i could taste it. i was so excited. i had been restricting all last week and thought that maybe i would try to eat like a normal person when i went to a superbowl party. i had small amounts of cheese dip, guacamole and a little cake to celebrate. i come home and weigh myself.

178.9

i lost it. i literally almost grabbed for my razor and cut my wrists open. i starve for an entire week, eat normally once, and i become a jiggling fat ass again. do you know how long it took to take off those pounds? it felt like an eternity. i gave up. i've been eating like a normal person-eggs for breakfast, salad for lunch and whatever my parents are eating for dinner-and now i'm almost back up to 180. i hate this. i starve for as long as i can until i ruin it with a binge, normally gaining all the weight back that i had lost when restricting. and then i just give up on ana. i become a fat ass again, asking my friends if they have food and eating nutella when i come home. why won't this work for me? that's why i didnt update. i was too ashamed. nobody follows this blog anyway. the only reason i haven't stopped is because i still need somewhere to write my thoughts. but maybe i will one of these days, a day when i just don't feel like explaining it all to you any more. my every thought and failure. i have been trying for a year now and i havent lost anything. i'm right back where i started. and i am so close to just taking a razor to my stomach, thighs, arms and just cutting it off. i want it off. but it wont come off.

im crying now. i just want it off, i just want to feel pretty for once in my life. i just want people to like me.

unhappy

so apparently i gained like 3 pounds over the three days surrounding the concert. i normally officially weigh myself in the morning right after going to the bathroom, but lately i've been seeing so much difference between my weight in the morning and my weight at night. i know its food, water weight, whatever, but i still hate seeing that number on the scale. it tears me down.

i'm beginning to be unhappy again. my friends are leaving me, i guess i didn't do such a great job choosing them in the first place. i hate highschool, and it really started hitting a nerve this past week and i am so ready just to run away, somewhere else than virginia. i hate virginia. it's ugly and disgusting, and the people here are ugly and disgusting. never come here.

at this point in time all i want is to reach the 160's, and to sleep more.

I have pictures of myself that i was going to post, but then i had to remind myself that a grand total of about 2 people read this. and i worry that people surfing ana blogs would see them and be repulsed and leave.

"that fat girl? she cant have an eating disorder. she's like, obese. ha ha ha. maybe she binge eats! ewwww!"

welcome to the voices in my head.

smooth

everything went pretty well at the concert. my friend ate, i ate. her friends were cool. 30 seconds to mars was unbelievably amazing. i think i lost 10 pounds of water weight too lol.

i was doing pretty well today until i had some nutella and some chinese food for dinner. i've decided that this concert is going to mark the beginning of me loosing. every day i want to be lighter. and it will happen. i bought a t-shirt at the concert and i got in it a Large, but it's still really small. like it won't even fit my boobs. but i swear, i swear, that this shirt will be hanging off of me by summer. i will use it as a fucking coverup in my beautiful two piece bathing suit i will be strutting around in. i will.

i'm going to start keeping track of how much i've lost on my mirror. hopefully my family won't think much of it.
hw: 185.6
cw: 173.9 (i'm guessing i've lost, but that's my last weigh-in)
gw: 110

11.7 lbs down.
63.9 to go.

stay lovely ladies
xoxo

concert freak out

so this whole concert thing is really getting me down.

im going with my best friend who used to have an eating discorder and isn't fully recovered. when im with her i always seem to trigger her because im fat, even though i always make sure to eat less than she does when im around her. so i trigger her, and then she stops eating and then i feel like shit. and her mom knows and all, but i just texted her asking her if she wanted me to make some yummy food tomorrow and she said "no sorry i don't eat on concert days" I DONT EAT ON FUCKING CONCERT DAYS?! what the fuck? and now all i can do is think about how much i've had today and im thinking of ways that i can loose as much weight as possible by tomorrow.

we're eating dinner before we go to the concert and im afraid she's just not going to eat anything at the restaurant and make me feel really awkward. we're meeting some of her friends from tumblr there, and on top of me worrying that she'll abandon me for them almost all of them have eating disorders. AND IM FAT AS FUCK. im so ashamed. this is so hard. i don't even want to go anymore, but i do, but i just dont want to go with someone who will make me think of my weight the entire time.

i was thinking of doing a quick salwater flush, but im scared of putting salt in my body because salt reatains water, but then im just scared to drink water at all because of adding weight, and i know i need to go work out but i pass out so easilly when i havent eaten anything. ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

but i want this concert to be the start of a fast, however long. i'll drink water today, no water tomorrow and then i'll see how long i can go. hopefully i'll make it to wednesday (i've never been good with fasts).

if i'm doing to starve i was thinking of drinking a protien shake right before the concert because i DO NOT want to pass out in the mosh pit. NOT FUN. but then we're going to dinner before, should i eat food there? if my friend doesnt eat anything, it will look awkward if i dont eat anything either. her mom will understand if she doesnt want to eat anything, but will make me eat something. just because im not her child.

i just typed all of that in literally like 180 seconds. i need to chill out. but im freaking and literally weighing myself every hour. i need to look skinnyer. this fucking sucks. if my friend hadnt even mentioned eating food, i NEVER would have started thinking about this at all. i feel like shit when i eat around her. uggh.

xoxo

snowed in

i don't have internet at the moment, and im having to use my sisters netbook, so this post will be short.

i've been eating less and i'm down to 173. i want to be 165 by the concert on monday, but im worried that it's going to be hard because we have snow days until then which means im stuck at home, which means im stuck around food.

i'm going to try to stick to egg whites for breakfast, an apple + protien shake for lunch, and whatever my parents are eating for dinner.

i'm also going to see if i can get out to CVS or GNC and pick up some oxyelite pro (thanks kat :]).

i've been watching shows like "i used to be fat" and "true life: im on a diet" to keep me motivated and to show me that i can look like them if i just lloose the weight. which i will. i need to start working out to loose major pounds, and my friend and i may start going to the gym together. i hope.

xoxo

160's & etc.

haven't posted in a while. i think i'll go back to starving. its not easy, but it yields results. and i need to loose more.

i've been exactly 179.9 for a couple days now. deff going to change that. i'm going to a 30 seconds to mars concert with my bff next monday, and i'm going to try and loose 10 lbs. just 10. that will put me at 170, witch is still fat as fuck. but its a start. i want to start seeing the 160's on the scale, and i want to see them soon.

i want to try to go vegan-ish. like if i eat anything i want it to be fruits & veggies or my protein powder.

i also want to get diet pills, but i don't know if you're allowed to buy them if you're under 18. i remember seeing somewhere where they didn't lock up the intense diet pills (walmart?) but i know in CVS you have to be over 18 & they keep the diet pills behind a locked piece of glass. like wtf. and i don't even live in a ghetto neighborhood. i want to try hydroxycut max or OxyElite pro, both of which have been used (with good results) by other bloggers.

i'm just so ready to loose this weight. it would make my tumbling so much better if i didnt have to throw around 70 extra pounds on my body. but then i just hope that i wont loose muscle first, because im like the strongest one on our cheer team and they always look to me to do the heavy lifts. and if i fail at cheer, i don't know what i'll do.

i've decided that the two things i want the most are: stick thin arms, with tiny rounded shoulders (idc about collarbones); and a gap between my thighs, at least an inch, when i'm standing with my feet together.

xoxo

daily and summer goals

i have new daily goals:
1) drink 3+ liters of water.
2) take all vitamins/medicines
3) stay under daily calorie limit

for this summer, i'm kinda facing a dilemma. i can either go live with my grandparents in delaware and get a job at a coffee shop, or i can stay here and get a job at a bakery somewhere (i love to bake and im pretty good at it, not to be cocky). but if i went to delaware, i wouldn't be able to re-do my room. buuut then i wouldn't get a tan, or be able to staff at camp crossroads. i have some goals i definitely want to meet though:

-repaint room
-get skinny
-get license (i have my permit now)
-get a job/some income
-staff at camp crossroads

i think all these options are pointing to me staying home, but that means i have to be around my parents all summer (and i won't get a tan >:[). uggh. i have no idea what i'm going to do.

xoxo

fake as a fucking barbie.

I haven't been doing so well with the whole diet thing. weighed in at 176 this morning but i binged all day. ill easily be back up to 182 by tonight.

all of my "friends" have stopped eating. i don't know what to do. they aren't really my friends anymore. i don't have real friends. they're all fake and it's killing me.

i am dying for a boyfriend. i have no idea why. my hormones are out of control and i just feel like i need someone in my life who thinks im pretty and loves me. but the shitty thing is that i know that will never happen because i'm fat and unattractive. i can't even get a pity date. i'm the "grenade" in my group of really fake, hot "friends." it fucking sucks.

im just feeling really fat and depressed. i have no motivation to get any homework done. my grades are probably falling. i have no guy friends. actually, i have no REAL friends.

i fucking hate high school. i want to move to south carolina and live with my grandparents. or delaware with my other grandparents. just anywhere but here. i am so sick and tired of the fake douche-bag people in northern virginia.

and nobody calls me pretty. ever. not in real life, not on facebook. i know that i'm not pretty, but i would love if you would just lie to me just fucking once just so that i can feel loved.

i guess i'll never get that belly button piercing.

throwing it.

scale says: 178.1

breakfast:
coffee + creamer
eggs
toast + jam

lunch:
french fries
stacy's pita chips

snack:
shitton of chocolate chip oatmeal cookies
cranberry raspberry fuze

dinner:
2 mushroom burgers + ketchup
bread + soup
milk
mango/strawberry protein shake


i. am. so. disgusting.


i threw my back handspring at practice today. i almost have it. i want to throw it in competition.

2 goals:
be 140 by march, even if it means downright starving myself for weeks
throw my back handspring in competition in march

march. that's the magic month.

i will do this.
i will be beautiful.
or i will die trying.


xoxo

relief

Scale says: 175.9

I am so relieved i didn't gain that much weight. if i had come home and i had been over 180, i think i would have had another mental breakdown. note to self: next year, bring a scale. 175.9 is nothing a week of SkinnyGirlDiet can't take care of. But i'm still aiming to be 140 in march. that's my goal for now (then 110 in june :]).

did somewhat ok on eating today. will do better tomorrow, though.

xoxo

sweet sixteen

so, i haven't been doing very well here with all the food (1000-1500 cals/day meals) but i've been watching myself and i don't feel myself getting any bigger. i wish there was a scale here.

i've decided that i'm going to put myself on track to be 120-110 by june, when school lets out. i really want a bellybutton piercing and i've been looking into getting one, but my mother is dead-set against it. i'm going to see if she'll let me get one for my sweet 16 though. it's a gamble.

so by march (my birthday) i want to be 140, because then my BMI will finally be "normal" (it's been in the "obese" range my entire life). assuming that i'm still 175, that means i have to loose 0.4 lbs/day to make it. 0.4 lbs=1,400 cals, and my BMR is 1600, so that's basically like 200 cals/day. i think i might just follow the skinny girl diet because i had some good results with that. i just have to remember to keep drinking water so that i'm not fooled by just loosing water weight.

lets see...

egg whites (3) (51 cals)
toasted bread (40 cals)

lunch, nothing

after school snack:
green tea smoothie (85 cals)
(green tea, blueberries, lemon)

dinner:
romaine salad (10 cals)
soybeans (? cals)

total: ~186 cals

i got a single-cup blender for christmas for making smoothies. i'm definitely going to start having breakfast smoothies more. i need to find a way to incorporate caffeine into them, though. normally i drink coffee in the mornings but i probably wouldn't if i were to have a smoothie. my problem is i want to find a way to incorporate caffeine and protein into a breakfast shake. i have vanilla flavored whey protein that i often have after cheer practice, but i feel like combining vanilla whey protein with green tea (caffeine) would taste a little weird for a breakfast shake. plus i love eating toast & egg whites in the morning, but the combined calories between those and coffee are just too much.

do you guys have any good smoothie ideas? any favorites? :]

xoxo

day 2

scale says: ???

breakfast:
nothing

lunch:
pear (45 cals)
2 slices veggie pizza (?? cals)
diet snapple (0 cals)

junk food:
chocolate covered pretzels (3) (375 cals)
sugar cookies (3) (120 cals)
pound cake (100 cals)
chocolate truffle (105 cals)

exercise (-150 cals)

total so far: 595 cals

couldn't resist the pound cake, or the chocolate covered pretzels. i feel like such a fat ass (which i am). but i did work out and burned off a little. the machines in the gym here at the hotel are amazing, and i'm pretty sure if i restrict tomorrow i can burn it all off :]

i feel like such an awful sister. I totally forgot to get a gift for my sister. i'm going to make her a coupon book with little things like "1 free pass to watch a baby show when i want to watch normal television" (i hate baby shows) and "1 free pass to squish a spider" (she's f-ing terrified of them) or "1 free baking pass" for when she needs something baked for school the next day, and i'll bake it for her. i feel like that's not enough though. i want to to get her a hallmark card, but i have no idea where there is a hallmark in myrtle. grrrr. plus i left all my money at home so my mom will have to buy the card for me (uggh). i feel so shallow.

holiday, day 1

so we arrived in myrtle beach today. i definitely binged on all the food my grandparents bought, but i've decided that i'm NOT going to let myself go and gain weight this week. I did that last year and gained about 10 pounds, and not to mention that i became severely depressed soon after.

so i made myself a list of reasons why i will not eat the fatty, sugary foods that we have down here:

1) Nicky lost weight, so the next time I see him, I want to be beautifully thin as well and awe him.
2) I want to be thin so that I can feel small in comparison to Nate, who is totally ripped (and probably won't go out with a fat girl anyway)
3) I want to continue to make my goals so that I will be my perfect weight when summer comes
4) I need to make my goal of 100 lbs so that i can get my BELLY BUTTON PIERCED. (before summer, yes? :])
5) i want to be thinner than my best friend (who just happens to dance ballet)
6) i want to be thinner than my sister (who does crew)
7) I want to lose 70 lbs by summer and see the looks on people's faces who haven't seen me in a long time and still remember me as "that heavy girl"
8) i never want my thighs to touch. ever. again.

btw, there's no scale in the condo. does anyone have another method of adequately weighing yourself without one?

xoxo

holiday is imminent

scale says: 171.4 (-2.9 lbs)

sorry i haven't been blogging lately. if you don't see a blog update from me in a while, check my stats box/ticker. i'll keep updating my weight :]

really busy with school and holiday. been trying to stick to the skinny girl diet, weight went back down to 171.4 :] i've calculated that to be the weight i want to be over the summer i have to loose .5 lbs/day. easy enough with a 500 cal diet. i'm just really worried about not getting my body the right nutrients. i want to stay pretty and healthy, and i do NOT want loose skin when i loose my 70 lbs :] taking off weight is pretty easy for me if i restrict, but i don't really see a difference because i'm loosing muscle mass, not fat. and loosing muscle is going to make cheer a lot harder as well. oh well. we'll see.

leaving for myrtle beach tomorrow. haven't packed yet. scared to death i'm going to gain weight.

i have to be 169.9 by the 27th<3

xoxo

failure

Skinny Girl Diet
day 7

scale says 174.3 (+2.0 lbs)

breakfast:
nothing (0 cals)
TOTAL: 0 cals

lunch/holiday party:
macaroni
chips/gauc
hershy kiss/pretzel/m&m
sprite
orange crush
apple cider
fudge flies
chocolate straw
carrots/helluva good dip
roll
TOTAL: fghjgbyuki cals

dinner:
nothing (0 cals)
TOTAL: 0 cals

DAY TOTAL: too many cals (limit 650)

ate too much at the holiday party, don't really want to tally it up. gained two pounds from yesterday's binge, probably gained more today. god i hate myself so much.

now i have to go do a shitload of homework for school tomorrow. one more week till holiday.

i want a boyfriend so badly.

xoxo