new directions?

howdy internets. so i've started on this new diet type thing, where i have calculated that i need to loose .7 pounds a day to make my goal of 120 by the end of summer. i started at 178.8, and today im supposed to be 173 something, but i kinda splurged yesterday and today, so i just weighed myself at 174.9.

im really hating this summer. i have conditioning on mondays, weightlifting on tuesdays, and tumbling on thursdays. it started the week that school got out, and i haven't even attended one of them yet. i really dont want to go because i feel really insecure about my weight because everyone else is realllly skinny, but im gonna have to if i want to make varsity :/

on a different note ive just recently began watching the shows Pretty Little Liars and Glee (yes, i know its over). they're awesome, and i find myself relating to hannah on PPL a lot more than i probably should. if you watch the show you'll know what i mean.

also, (i use that word way too much), i have stumbled upon the wonderful art of chewing and spitting. one of my biggest faults is that i only eat because i like the taste, and i RARELY (emphasis on the word RARELY) ever feel hungry/hunger pains. so i tried it today at lunch with some ritz crackers, and i think im hooked. a plus is that my mom is still working and my dad is doing some work on our boat that is currently sitting in our driveway so i basically have the house all to myself (until this weekend).

OH MY GOSH. i forgot to tell you that I GOT MY BRACES OFF!! im so excited. thats what prompted another weight-loss attempt :]] tomorrow (wednesday) im going to pick up my retainer, and guess what color it is? GLOW IN THE DARK!! (well, its not really a color, but whatever). i literally think that just made my life.

xoxo

just a pretty face.

I just want someone to tell me im beautiful. I want someone to notice me, to tell me that im too good for ana. to tell me to stop doing this to myself, to actually give a shit about me. but im fat, so that will never happen. im a hundred and seventy five fucking pounds, and i will never be pretty. not until i am thin. not until i am good enough for society, good enough to be treated as an equal. and I will never be good enough to be treated as beautiful. this is my silent cry, my plea, for someone. anyone. how i would love to tell this to my friends, to show them this blog, to show them this post, but then they would know. and they can never know, because if your face isnt pretty then nobody cares, nobody gives a shit what you say. so if your reading this, just know that you are the only people to ever know this side of me. the side that is too fat for society, too fat for beauty. and because of that, i only have ana. and she could make my life a living hell, so ive decided to embrace her. to use her as a friend to get to the place in life where i want to be.

but for now, its killing me inside not to be cared about. and im loosing reasons to live.

x

counting calories

ive been counting calories using an app on my ipod lately. glad to report that i have lost 3 pounds and have gotten out of the scary, almost-180 lapse i went through.

I've got to do it...

I've got to loose weight. it's not a choice anymore. I can't even fit into my "fat" jeans, and when I do they cut into the fat over my hipbones. it's gross, and by the end of the day I just want to run home to my sweatpants.

I went to a site that tells you how many calories you need per day to maintain your current weight, and it told me I needed to eat ~2000 calories a day. yuck. right now I weigh 175.3... I want to be 155 by the end of school (june 24), so that gives me 39 days to loose 20.3 pounds. that means I'm shooting to loose .6 of a pound a day (which ends up being 2100 calories I need to burn, but I'm trying to ignore that because I know I can't go a day without eating anything). so tomorrow I need to be 174.7. yess.

good news? 5 low-fat Ritz crackers are only 70 calories. and I fucking love Ritz.

xoxo

[[no thinspo pic today 'cuz i had to type his on my iPod<3]]

hope

so i was watching an episode of V that my dad recorded and it was the one where the alien girl took all of her clothes off. yeah, she's really hot. and that kinda gave me hope that someday i WILL look like that. i've totally got the potential, i've just got to apply myself. i made me think, 'if she can do it, and if she can look that hot, i can look that hot too and get a boyfriend like that.' 'cuz i dont know if y'all know but that is the thing i want most, after a smokin' bod- a bf. and if that level of hotness is attracted to that type of body, that means if i can get that type of body i can get that level of hotness. make sense? i'm kinda rambling in fragmented sentences right now. im really tired, i need to go to bed-- getting up early tomorrow to pack to go to FL! too bad i still have cellulite D': good news is that im back down to 171. yay?

love you long time
xoxo


p.s: the last one is my favorite ;]]

i hate it.

i am so, so sorry. the whole fasting thing just crashed and burned, and im fatter than ever. i dont even want to go to florida for spring break anymore. I WANT TO BE SKINNY. not fat and gross!! i just can not seem to loose weight! even when i eat a normal 1200 cals a day, walk around a ton and go to softball practice where i literally am running my ass off. I HATE IT. and im getting sick and tired of it too. i just want to loose some fucking weight people. i want to be happy. dont i have the right to be happy? i want to get a boyfriend and have him love my body. i want to wear a bikini and not have to worry about people being disgusted with my cellulite. ITS NOT FAIR. i have no control. i have no say in anything. at night i sit and cry and swear to myself that im not going to eat anything the next day, and then i wake up and stuff my face. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

sunday, march 21

food:

OJ

2 egg whites, scrambled

cupcake

1/4 cup lo mein

3/4 cup white rice

1 cup pasta w/ steamed veggies

glass OJ

cupcake

5 hershey kisses

2 cookies

weight: 173.0 (!!! how the FUCK did that happen?)

days till spring break: 7

yeah, i know. today was probably my worst 'cuz i was actually enjoying food as i was eating it.

anyway, spring break is officially in one week, so i am going to do my 'hail mary' diet, which consists of eating nothing, drinking a ton of water, chewing gum all the time, extra fidgeting/moving, and running a mile a day (maybe not that last one 'cuz now i have softball practice). i now remember how i stuck with this diet in the past-- every time i would think of eating something i would go into the kitchen and chug a glass of water. it always made my stomach hurt and i no longer wanted to eat anything. try it-- it works.

but this time i am going to have a little spin off of it. i am going to have a menu planned out for the entire week of "safe foods" or foods that add up to under 500 calories a day so that i do have something to eat if i give in, and it won't be catastrophic and kill my entire fast week.

breakfast: 2 egg whites(34cals), 1/2 glass of OJ(55cals) (89 cals total)

lunch: boiled egg white(17cals), small salad (10cals) (27 cals total)

dinner: skip, or a bowl of special K/other healthy cereal (lessthan150cals)

drinking water ALL THE TIME. im shooting for 200 ounces a day.

"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief 

that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul 

shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, 

you are not attractive--you are leaking. "

- Fran Lebowitz