hope

so i was watching an episode of V that my dad recorded and it was the one where the alien girl took all of her clothes off. yeah, she's really hot. and that kinda gave me hope that someday i WILL look like that. i've totally got the potential, i've just got to apply myself. i made me think, 'if she can do it, and if she can look that hot, i can look that hot too and get a boyfriend like that.' 'cuz i dont know if y'all know but that is the thing i want most, after a smokin' bod- a bf. and if that level of hotness is attracted to that type of body, that means if i can get that type of body i can get that level of hotness. make sense? i'm kinda rambling in fragmented sentences right now. im really tired, i need to go to bed-- getting up early tomorrow to pack to go to FL! too bad i still have cellulite D': good news is that im back down to 171. yay?

love you long time
xoxo


p.s: the last one is my favorite ;]]

i hate it.

i am so, so sorry. the whole fasting thing just crashed and burned, and im fatter than ever. i dont even want to go to florida for spring break anymore. I WANT TO BE SKINNY. not fat and gross!! i just can not seem to loose weight! even when i eat a normal 1200 cals a day, walk around a ton and go to softball practice where i literally am running my ass off. I HATE IT. and im getting sick and tired of it too. i just want to loose some fucking weight people. i want to be happy. dont i have the right to be happy? i want to get a boyfriend and have him love my body. i want to wear a bikini and not have to worry about people being disgusted with my cellulite. ITS NOT FAIR. i have no control. i have no say in anything. at night i sit and cry and swear to myself that im not going to eat anything the next day, and then i wake up and stuff my face. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

sunday, march 21

food:

OJ

2 egg whites, scrambled

cupcake

1/4 cup lo mein

3/4 cup white rice

1 cup pasta w/ steamed veggies

glass OJ

cupcake

5 hershey kisses

2 cookies

weight: 173.0 (!!! how the FUCK did that happen?)

days till spring break: 7

yeah, i know. today was probably my worst 'cuz i was actually enjoying food as i was eating it.

anyway, spring break is officially in one week, so i am going to do my 'hail mary' diet, which consists of eating nothing, drinking a ton of water, chewing gum all the time, extra fidgeting/moving, and running a mile a day (maybe not that last one 'cuz now i have softball practice). i now remember how i stuck with this diet in the past-- every time i would think of eating something i would go into the kitchen and chug a glass of water. it always made my stomach hurt and i no longer wanted to eat anything. try it-- it works.

but this time i am going to have a little spin off of it. i am going to have a menu planned out for the entire week of "safe foods" or foods that add up to under 500 calories a day so that i do have something to eat if i give in, and it won't be catastrophic and kill my entire fast week.

breakfast: 2 egg whites(34cals), 1/2 glass of OJ(55cals) (89 cals total)

lunch: boiled egg white(17cals), small salad (10cals) (27 cals total)

dinner: skip, or a bowl of special K/other healthy cereal (lessthan150cals)

drinking water ALL THE TIME. im shooting for 200 ounces a day.

"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief 

that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul 

shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, 

you are not attractive--you are leaking. "

- Fran Lebowitz

saturday, march 20

food:
70 white chocolate chips
1 1/2 cups lo mein
1 diet cheerwine
bag of movie butter popcorn
20 hershey kisses
1 cup white rice
1 cup lo mein
5 more hershey kisses
weight: 174.1
days till summer break: 8

wow, i eat really unhealthily. maybe it will finally sink in and i will feel to humiliated to eat a lot and still have to tell you guys. oh well. i think the reason it is really hard for me to stop eating again is not only because i have absolutely no willpower, but because that results in me not loosing a lot of weight. so i don't see the numbers drop like i would want them to. 3 or 4 days into not eating i am totally on a roll and can expect to loose a pound a day, but the first couple days i loose NOTHING, even when i don't eat anything (im talking like only water and gum).

what have i done?

friday, march 19
1/2 cup buttered, salted eggs
one glass OJ
coffee w/ creamer
two medium fries
1/2 glass milk
one boiled egg white
one pk fruit snacks
2 tbsp trail mix
1 1/2 cups white rice
3/4 cup lo mein
1 glass milk
brownie
weight: 174.9
days till summer break: 9

i feel humiliated and ashamed sitting here typing this.
on the plus side i made myself puke for the first time. im not gonna lie, it's fucking scary.