Thursday, December 31, 2009

just one day

good news: i was 165 this morning

bad news: gave up today. woke up early for once, so dad took us to ihop. bad idea. hashbrowns and nutella crepes. i have no fucking control. came home and continued to eat. i have this issue where i snap, and as soon as i eat something all my control is lost and i feel like it is ok to eat everything else in sight. i am such a pig. i was almost not even gonna post today. or i was just gonna tell you that i did fine and didnt eat anything, but ive decided to be completely honest with you guys. i fucking fail.

not looking forward to going back to school monday. tried to start my homework today, but gave up before i even opened my backpack.

my new years resolution is to stop eating and be thin. AND GET A BOYFRIEND. if i reach 120. =[

stay strong my darlings
"never let a single day pass which gives you reason to say 'I'll do better tomorrow'"

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


well, the fast lasted until my mother sat me down and made me eat a bowl of rice, even though i told her i wasnt feeling well. i know that she has no idea that i dont eat, shes just concerned that im not getting my "daily protein intake" (im a vegetarian). i thought about purging, but the walls are so thin in my house they would be able to hear, even with the water on.

i actually exercised today. situps, pushups, a mile run. nothing really big but i was exhausted after. now i know why i hate exercising. falling starlight had a good idea about trying yoga, and i have the wii fit so im gonna try some of that tonight. also i need to start to get back in shape for softball season.

you see, i have this issue with boys. i have only had one boyfriend, and he was a total mistake. but i have this feeling where i need to be loved and comforted by a guy, which is really screwing my life up. im at the stage in my life where ALL of my friends have boyfriends, and im the odd one out. i learned how to suppress these feelings all throughout 8th grade but now their coming back again. i was up till 4am last night just thinking about how much i would love for a guy to love me. but i know that no guy will ever love me if im still this fat. so, ive decided to channel my longing for a guy into devotion to ana until i am at least 120, then i will let myself look for a guy. its going to be really hard, but i think i can do it.

its easy to not eat while my mom is out. i neeeeed to go out and be social. ive been stuck in the house for the past 2 weeks and i feel like a vegetable :[

new goal: 150 by jan 11 (see my previous "food and hugs" for whom i am going to be seeing :]]]). overall goal: i want to sit down and not have a fat roll. i want a concave tummy alllll the time :]]


Tuesday, December 29, 2009


fuck you insomnia. ok soo i havent fallen asleep yet, and i was just looking for other pro-ana blogs here. ive decided i want to try a fast, and i would love you guys out there to try it with me. its just going to be a small one, a three day fast. starting now (2 am wednesday dec. 29) I will have nothing but water, tea, and diet soda for the next 72 hours.

i was also thinking about exercise. i dunno if ive made this clear, but i HATE exercising. ive read a couple other blogs and their all like "i ran 8-9 miles today" or "i ONLY walked 4 miles today, uggh." i am so proud of them! i can hardly run 2 miles before passing out. im just that out of shape. yeah.

but whatever. im a fat anorexic, i know. please dont hate me because im fat. im trying so hard, just like the rest of you. ana has manifested herself in me, and my life is hers now. i would just love to have some support from you guys. i really truly have no one else.

ok. 72 hour fast.
ready set go :]

Monday, December 28, 2009

so depressing

yesterday morning i was 165. i got weak though and snapped-- ate way too much candy and shit. ate too much today as well because we went for dinner for my moms birthday (it was mexican. YUCK.) i ate everything so that my mom wouldnt suspect everything. i had a tummy ache afterwords :[ im probably back up to 170. fuck my lifeeeee.

so two years ago at the beginning of 7th grade i entered a really depressive stage and was just a mess. i was self harming and i wouldnt eat and my family hated me. i almost wish i would go back to that stage of my life where i never knew if the next day was going to be my last because of my suicidal thoughts. at least the cutting numbed the pain, the pain of my family and the pain of not eating. at least i was thin then.

so i have this issue with purging. let me tell you this: I WISH I COULD DO IT. i wish i could do it so badly. but im too scared. i hate barfing and the feelings that come with it so ive never been able to do it. trust me, ive tried many times but i always just end up in a crying sobbing heap on the floor. any suggestions on how i might conquer my fear?

im really out of shape (cheer-wise). i need to start streching daily- ive already lost my splits :'[[ gahh.

i wish life was easier. i really do. but i know that with ana by my side, with me every step of the way, that i can do it. i know i'll be thin someday, even if that means never eating a morsel of food again. better to die young and thin than old and fat, right?


Saturday, December 26, 2009

broken rules

i was doing fan-freaking-tastic today until my mom forced me to eat dinner. i hadnt eaten ANYTHING all day and i was so proud of myself. even the hunger pains came to visit!! when my mom insisted i eat some lunch i heated up a bowl of soup then took it upstairs and poured it down the toilet :]] she had no idea. for dinner i was forced to have a bowl of veggie fried rice (rice, soysauce, onions, peas & carrots, bean sprouts, eggs).

the problem is i have this thing that triggers in my head that says "you've already eaten and broken the rules, so why not break some more?" so, to accompany my bowl of veggie fried rice i had a biscuit with a lot of butter, and then after i had a ton of chocolates and gummy bears. fuuuuccccckkkkkkkk. anyone know how to fix that?

at least i went ice skating with my family today. thats got to count for something, right? anyway, when i suggested that i would put together a list of my favorite thinspo songs/quotes that made me look around the interwebs for some quotes and i found some amazing quotes that i now love love love.

my sister and i have become obsessed with super mario world for the wii. i swear we played it for at least 3 hours strait. anyone else out there love that game?

well, i havent weighed myself lately. ill weigh myself tonight, see what it is. im guessing like 169. see? told you guys i cant loose weight. ive tried for like 4 days now and im still the same weight.


Friday, December 25, 2009

food and hugs

i ate so much yesterday i was too embarrassed to post.

i didnt have a great christmas, but i know it will get better. i really want the new apple magic mouse :] anyway, i was doing great today until i ate some shit out of my stocking, consisting of malt balls, hershey kisses, and gummy bears. not to mention the "christmas dinner" of sweet potatoes and green bean cassarole. i actually was doing great in moderating that until i pulled dessert out of the oven - a brown sugar cinnamon apple tart with caramel. shoot me in the fucking head. ate it all.

softball conditioning starts really soon anyway, so that should help me. i know i can be pretty with the right makeup and clothes. i can be stunning. but instead im stuck in this fag ugly body with fat rolls and thunder thighs. words cant describe how gross i am.

anyway, im a cheerleader at my school. and i have a friend who was like a sister to me, but we went to different schools for highschool. she said that she would come to the basketball game where her school would play ours and i would be cheering. my first plan was to loose 30 pounds before i saw her (on jan 11) but that was a while ago. now im hoping to loose at least 10+ pounds before i see her. you know that quote that says "i think i look perfect, but everyone else cries when they hug me"? well, i want to be like that. i want her to hug me and realize a part of me is missing.

ill see if i can put up a list of all my favorite thinspo songs and quotes soon :]

well, i was 167 this morning... hope it'll last.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

another day gone

so today i started off great until my mom brought be panera for lunch (which i specifically told her NOT to do.) ok, so theres like 700 calories down the drain. im trying to think back to what i ate but i can only remember eating the panera and like 6 of these amazing cookies my aunt brought over (im a sucker for sweets, can you tell?). i dont feel hungry at all which sucks because i always get giddy when the hunger pains come along, because that means ive lasted long enough for it to count.

we're only 3 days into winter break and i think ive watched about 6 movies. its crazy. i need something more productive to do with my time. ive been trying to apply for a passport, but that is kinda going nowhere. oh well.

ok so i realized something today. it made me really sad because i got on the scale today and it said 170. it almost made me cry. after accepting the fact that im a failure, i got even more sad because i realized that i couldnt even loose weight. i mean, everyone else (as in the ana community) looses about 20 pounds and then becomes depressed that they cant loose more weight. i, on the other hand, cant loose it to begin with. ive tried for what, 2 months now? god. i remember at the beginning of eighth grade i weighed 170. for one week i ate nothing and ran a mile every day. by the end of that week, i had lost 10 pounds. but ive gained it all back. well at least i know that i can do it. i just HATE running :[

i must go. i wanted to go to bed early tonight... guess thats not happening :[

Postly thinspo:
this is like, my all-time favorite photo. hope you like it :]

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

this is kinda cool.

ok. im starting a proana blog, just like everyone else. yeah yeah blah blah don't tell me that it's bad for my health, i get it. i decided to do this because i realize that i have no friends who i can tell about my obsession (thats a story saved for another post). so i'll just be talking to you anonymous internet people, and that's ok with me :]

so i need to fix my gluttonous sleeping problem. when left undisturbed i can sleep until 12, and then i basically have no day left to do anything. oh well. so i have this rule that i like to adhere to: drink 1 glass of water for every hour i am awake, in addition to a glass of water every time i use the bathroom. kinda hard to stick to, but i manage. i started today at 11, and i had a handful of chopped nuts and (uuughhhh) a lemon tart. walnuts: 50cals, tart: i dont even wan to think about ittt. i need to stop. i need to go run, but i HATE running. grr.

going to the movies later today. one medium diet dr. pepper, no ice :]] and no junk food. eww. *shudder*

starting weight: 175.1
current weight: 168.7
goal weight: 130

postly thinspo:
so i'm going to try to post a thinspo picture for every post i do.
today's is going to be an amazing video i found just this morning. very triggering-- it persuaded me to make this blog :]] (and it gives me something to do other than running. ewwwwwwwwwww.)