so depressing

yesterday morning i was 165. i got weak though and snapped-- ate way too much candy and shit. ate too much today as well because we went for dinner for my moms birthday (it was mexican. YUCK.) i ate everything so that my mom wouldnt suspect everything. i had a tummy ache afterwords :[ im probably back up to 170. fuck my lifeeeee.

so two years ago at the beginning of 7th grade i entered a really depressive stage and was just a mess. i was self harming and i wouldnt eat and my family hated me. i almost wish i would go back to that stage of my life where i never knew if the next day was going to be my last because of my suicidal thoughts. at least the cutting numbed the pain, the pain of my family and the pain of not eating. at least i was thin then.

so i have this issue with purging. let me tell you this: I WISH I COULD DO IT. i wish i could do it so badly. but im too scared. i hate barfing and the feelings that come with it so ive never been able to do it. trust me, ive tried many times but i always just end up in a crying sobbing heap on the floor. any suggestions on how i might conquer my fear?

im really out of shape (cheer-wise). i need to start streching daily- ive already lost my splits :'[[ gahh.

i wish life was easier. i really do. but i know that with ana by my side, with me every step of the way, that i can do it. i know i'll be thin someday, even if that means never eating a morsel of food again. better to die young and thin than old and fat, right?

xoxo