breakfast:
coffe + creamer (120 cals, ?g protein)
1c kashi go lean cereal (140 cals, 13g protein)

snack:
4 sushi (173 cals, 4g protein)
grape soda (180 cals, 0g protien)

so far: 613 cals, 17g protein

ok, so i messed up on the grape soda. but whatever. i'll just eat an egg white before practice and a protein bar for dinner and call it even :]

hiatus

sorry for the hiatus.

long story short, after my last post my depression kind of caught up with me again. And then I sprained the ligaments in my ankle at cheer practice and was on crutches for 2 weeks, i have to wear a brace 24/7 and i'm still not allowed to jump or tumble at practice. i don't know if you knew but cheer is my life, so that didn't really help with the depression thing. i'm on painkillers a lot and i just have to sit and watch people at practice which kills me.

i also gained weight because i stopped my phys. ed routine, so now i'm up to 185. its kind of gross. i'm not even going to think about spring break thats in a week (i'm going to florida in a week), but i need to loose some of this extra weight. i'm just going to try to eat <1000 calories and pray my body doesn't go into starvation mode. i need to start drinking lots of water and eating lots of protein (68g).

breakfast:
1 cup rice chex (100 cals, 2 g protein)
1 mango (130 cals, 1g protein)
1 egg white (17 cals, 4g protein)

lunch:
1/2 chipotle burrito (437 cals, 12g protien)

total so far: 684 cals, 19 g protein

down to 175.1. going on a diet, hope to get some diet pills soon. new goal: 160 by my birthday (march 15)

xoxo

i was doing so well.

last sunday morning i weighed 172.8. i was so close to breaking into the 160s. so close, i could taste it. i was so excited. i had been restricting all last week and thought that maybe i would try to eat like a normal person when i went to a superbowl party. i had small amounts of cheese dip, guacamole and a little cake to celebrate. i come home and weigh myself.

178.9

i lost it. i literally almost grabbed for my razor and cut my wrists open. i starve for an entire week, eat normally once, and i become a jiggling fat ass again. do you know how long it took to take off those pounds? it felt like an eternity. i gave up. i've been eating like a normal person-eggs for breakfast, salad for lunch and whatever my parents are eating for dinner-and now i'm almost back up to 180. i hate this. i starve for as long as i can until i ruin it with a binge, normally gaining all the weight back that i had lost when restricting. and then i just give up on ana. i become a fat ass again, asking my friends if they have food and eating nutella when i come home. why won't this work for me? that's why i didnt update. i was too ashamed. nobody follows this blog anyway. the only reason i haven't stopped is because i still need somewhere to write my thoughts. but maybe i will one of these days, a day when i just don't feel like explaining it all to you any more. my every thought and failure. i have been trying for a year now and i havent lost anything. i'm right back where i started. and i am so close to just taking a razor to my stomach, thighs, arms and just cutting it off. i want it off. but it wont come off.

im crying now. i just want it off, i just want to feel pretty for once in my life. i just want people to like me.

unhappy

so apparently i gained like 3 pounds over the three days surrounding the concert. i normally officially weigh myself in the morning right after going to the bathroom, but lately i've been seeing so much difference between my weight in the morning and my weight at night. i know its food, water weight, whatever, but i still hate seeing that number on the scale. it tears me down.

i'm beginning to be unhappy again. my friends are leaving me, i guess i didn't do such a great job choosing them in the first place. i hate highschool, and it really started hitting a nerve this past week and i am so ready just to run away, somewhere else than virginia. i hate virginia. it's ugly and disgusting, and the people here are ugly and disgusting. never come here.

at this point in time all i want is to reach the 160's, and to sleep more.

I have pictures of myself that i was going to post, but then i had to remind myself that a grand total of about 2 people read this. and i worry that people surfing ana blogs would see them and be repulsed and leave.

"that fat girl? she cant have an eating disorder. she's like, obese. ha ha ha. maybe she binge eats! ewwww!"

welcome to the voices in my head.

smooth

everything went pretty well at the concert. my friend ate, i ate. her friends were cool. 30 seconds to mars was unbelievably amazing. i think i lost 10 pounds of water weight too lol.

i was doing pretty well today until i had some nutella and some chinese food for dinner. i've decided that this concert is going to mark the beginning of me loosing. every day i want to be lighter. and it will happen. i bought a t-shirt at the concert and i got in it a Large, but it's still really small. like it won't even fit my boobs. but i swear, i swear, that this shirt will be hanging off of me by summer. i will use it as a fucking coverup in my beautiful two piece bathing suit i will be strutting around in. i will.

i'm going to start keeping track of how much i've lost on my mirror. hopefully my family won't think much of it.
hw: 185.6
cw: 173.9 (i'm guessing i've lost, but that's my last weigh-in)
gw: 110

11.7 lbs down.
63.9 to go.

stay lovely ladies
xoxo

concert freak out

so this whole concert thing is really getting me down.

im going with my best friend who used to have an eating discorder and isn't fully recovered. when im with her i always seem to trigger her because im fat, even though i always make sure to eat less than she does when im around her. so i trigger her, and then she stops eating and then i feel like shit. and her mom knows and all, but i just texted her asking her if she wanted me to make some yummy food tomorrow and she said "no sorry i don't eat on concert days" I DONT EAT ON FUCKING CONCERT DAYS?! what the fuck? and now all i can do is think about how much i've had today and im thinking of ways that i can loose as much weight as possible by tomorrow.

we're eating dinner before we go to the concert and im afraid she's just not going to eat anything at the restaurant and make me feel really awkward. we're meeting some of her friends from tumblr there, and on top of me worrying that she'll abandon me for them almost all of them have eating disorders. AND IM FAT AS FUCK. im so ashamed. this is so hard. i don't even want to go anymore, but i do, but i just dont want to go with someone who will make me think of my weight the entire time.

i was thinking of doing a quick salwater flush, but im scared of putting salt in my body because salt reatains water, but then im just scared to drink water at all because of adding weight, and i know i need to go work out but i pass out so easilly when i havent eaten anything. ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

but i want this concert to be the start of a fast, however long. i'll drink water today, no water tomorrow and then i'll see how long i can go. hopefully i'll make it to wednesday (i've never been good with fasts).

if i'm doing to starve i was thinking of drinking a protien shake right before the concert because i DO NOT want to pass out in the mosh pit. NOT FUN. but then we're going to dinner before, should i eat food there? if my friend doesnt eat anything, it will look awkward if i dont eat anything either. her mom will understand if she doesnt want to eat anything, but will make me eat something. just because im not her child.

i just typed all of that in literally like 180 seconds. i need to chill out. but im freaking and literally weighing myself every hour. i need to look skinnyer. this fucking sucks. if my friend hadnt even mentioned eating food, i NEVER would have started thinking about this at all. i feel like shit when i eat around her. uggh.

xoxo

snowed in

i don't have internet at the moment, and im having to use my sisters netbook, so this post will be short.

i've been eating less and i'm down to 173. i want to be 165 by the concert on monday, but im worried that it's going to be hard because we have snow days until then which means im stuck at home, which means im stuck around food.

i'm going to try to stick to egg whites for breakfast, an apple + protien shake for lunch, and whatever my parents are eating for dinner.

i'm also going to see if i can get out to CVS or GNC and pick up some oxyelite pro (thanks kat :]).

i've been watching shows like "i used to be fat" and "true life: im on a diet" to keep me motivated and to show me that i can look like them if i just lloose the weight. which i will. i need to start working out to loose major pounds, and my friend and i may start going to the gym together. i hope.

xoxo

160's & etc.

haven't posted in a while. i think i'll go back to starving. its not easy, but it yields results. and i need to loose more.

i've been exactly 179.9 for a couple days now. deff going to change that. i'm going to a 30 seconds to mars concert with my bff next monday, and i'm going to try and loose 10 lbs. just 10. that will put me at 170, witch is still fat as fuck. but its a start. i want to start seeing the 160's on the scale, and i want to see them soon.

i want to try to go vegan-ish. like if i eat anything i want it to be fruits & veggies or my protein powder.

i also want to get diet pills, but i don't know if you're allowed to buy them if you're under 18. i remember seeing somewhere where they didn't lock up the intense diet pills (walmart?) but i know in CVS you have to be over 18 & they keep the diet pills behind a locked piece of glass. like wtf. and i don't even live in a ghetto neighborhood. i want to try hydroxycut max or OxyElite pro, both of which have been used (with good results) by other bloggers.

i'm just so ready to loose this weight. it would make my tumbling so much better if i didnt have to throw around 70 extra pounds on my body. but then i just hope that i wont loose muscle first, because im like the strongest one on our cheer team and they always look to me to do the heavy lifts. and if i fail at cheer, i don't know what i'll do.

i've decided that the two things i want the most are: stick thin arms, with tiny rounded shoulders (idc about collarbones); and a gap between my thighs, at least an inch, when i'm standing with my feet together.

xoxo

daily and summer goals

i have new daily goals:
1) drink 3+ liters of water.
2) take all vitamins/medicines
3) stay under daily calorie limit

for this summer, i'm kinda facing a dilemma. i can either go live with my grandparents in delaware and get a job at a coffee shop, or i can stay here and get a job at a bakery somewhere (i love to bake and im pretty good at it, not to be cocky). but if i went to delaware, i wouldn't be able to re-do my room. buuut then i wouldn't get a tan, or be able to staff at camp crossroads. i have some goals i definitely want to meet though:

-repaint room
-get skinny
-get license (i have my permit now)
-get a job/some income
-staff at camp crossroads

i think all these options are pointing to me staying home, but that means i have to be around my parents all summer (and i won't get a tan >:[). uggh. i have no idea what i'm going to do.

xoxo

fake as a fucking barbie.

I haven't been doing so well with the whole diet thing. weighed in at 176 this morning but i binged all day. ill easily be back up to 182 by tonight.

all of my "friends" have stopped eating. i don't know what to do. they aren't really my friends anymore. i don't have real friends. they're all fake and it's killing me.

i am dying for a boyfriend. i have no idea why. my hormones are out of control and i just feel like i need someone in my life who thinks im pretty and loves me. but the shitty thing is that i know that will never happen because i'm fat and unattractive. i can't even get a pity date. i'm the "grenade" in my group of really fake, hot "friends." it fucking sucks.

im just feeling really fat and depressed. i have no motivation to get any homework done. my grades are probably falling. i have no guy friends. actually, i have no REAL friends.

i fucking hate high school. i want to move to south carolina and live with my grandparents. or delaware with my other grandparents. just anywhere but here. i am so sick and tired of the fake douche-bag people in northern virginia.

and nobody calls me pretty. ever. not in real life, not on facebook. i know that i'm not pretty, but i would love if you would just lie to me just fucking once just so that i can feel loved.

i guess i'll never get that belly button piercing.

throwing it.

scale says: 178.1

breakfast:
coffee + creamer
eggs
toast + jam

lunch:
french fries
stacy's pita chips

snack:
shitton of chocolate chip oatmeal cookies
cranberry raspberry fuze

dinner:
2 mushroom burgers + ketchup
bread + soup
milk
mango/strawberry protein shake


i. am. so. disgusting.


i threw my back handspring at practice today. i almost have it. i want to throw it in competition.

2 goals:
be 140 by march, even if it means downright starving myself for weeks
throw my back handspring in competition in march

march. that's the magic month.

i will do this.
i will be beautiful.
or i will die trying.


xoxo

relief

Scale says: 175.9

I am so relieved i didn't gain that much weight. if i had come home and i had been over 180, i think i would have had another mental breakdown. note to self: next year, bring a scale. 175.9 is nothing a week of SkinnyGirlDiet can't take care of. But i'm still aiming to be 140 in march. that's my goal for now (then 110 in june :]).

did somewhat ok on eating today. will do better tomorrow, though.

xoxo