last sunday morning i weighed 172.8. i was so close to breaking into the 160s. so close, i could taste it. i was so excited. i had been restricting all last week and thought that maybe i would try to eat like a normal person when i went to a superbowl party. i had small amounts of cheese dip, guacamole and a little cake to celebrate. i come home and weigh myself.
178.9
i lost it. i literally almost grabbed for my razor and cut my wrists open. i starve for an entire week, eat normally once, and i become a jiggling fat ass again. do you know how long it took to take off those pounds? it felt like an eternity. i gave up. i've been eating like a normal person-eggs for breakfast, salad for lunch and whatever my parents are eating for dinner-and now i'm almost back up to 180. i hate this. i starve for as long as i can until i ruin it with a binge, normally gaining all the weight back that i had lost when restricting. and then i just give up on ana. i become a fat ass again, asking my friends if they have food and eating nutella when i come home. why won't this work for me? that's why i didnt update. i was too ashamed. nobody follows this blog anyway. the only reason i haven't stopped is because i still need somewhere to write my thoughts. but maybe i will one of these days, a day when i just don't feel like explaining it all to you any more. my every thought and failure. i have been trying for a year now and i havent lost anything. i'm right back where i started. and i am so close to just taking a razor to my stomach, thighs, arms and just cutting it off. i want it off. but it wont come off.
im crying now. i just want it off, i just want to feel pretty for once in my life. i just want people to like me.
DO NOT GIVE UP!! Please don't. I know it's hard, I feel you 100000000000%. There will be hard times, and selfcontrol just doesn't happen, believe me, I'm still battling for it. We all wish it was as easy as cutting off our fat. But sweety it isn't. You have to work for this harder than anything else. If you don't want it, it won't happen. Look, if you want a texting buddy or e-mailing buddy, I will give you mine. It's always easier to do if you have someone to talk to who knows what your doing through. But do not give up, your a strong woman. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should diet more smartly. What matters is the amount of calories one gets on right? But there are certain foods that will fill you up while others will make you hungrier. Sugary shit makes me dizzy and hungrier. Breads make me feel awful (heartburn/hunger/dizziness So, say you want chocolate one day. Well, go get the chocolate (preferably dark and under 300cal) mix it with almonds, cashews, peanuts, maybe even a bit of uncooked oatmeal and sprinkle fiber powder on top. Drink lots of water with it. You just had a delicious meal, without surpassing your calorie limit, and it didn't give you sugar crash. Same thing with pizza. Want pizza? Go get a frozen Kashi pizza, put chicken on top and have it with some steamed brocolli. Or you want chips? Mix some black beans with spices, get fat free cheese and baked chips. Delicious, low calorie, no suar crash Its about being fexible. You can also skip meals and have a nice big meal around 5 pm. A nice 1000 calorie meal XD An you would STILL be under 1200 cals a day. Im trying to be more flexible in my diet because what Ive been doing doesnt work in the real world. I cant study and work while restricting because I have no energy and cant focus and am always avoiding people. It just doesnt work. And its lame cause I end up binging because of stress and Im back on square one.
ReplyDeleteStress and frustrations don't go away with things like cutting, eating a cake, going shopping, watching a tv show, or anything like that. So get smart. Figure out what works and what doesnt. Then keep trying new stuff until something WORKS. Exercise works for stress and depression and anxiety. Get a fitness DVD. I prefer the stretchy band workouts and things like pilates because they dont involve one jumping around like an idiot. I hate those. This has nothing to do with this, BUT, crystal light grape is AWESOME. I get the ones for water bottles. They are SWEET. and no sugar. Gum is also super helpful with hunger. And sitting down with oneself just trying to feel oneself helps tons with stress. :) Just a few tips
ReplyDelete