Update!

Blue bra: April 2013, ~160lbs (110lbs muscle)

Pink bra: January 2011, ~185 lbs (100lbs muscle)

April '13 (160lbs) - Jan '11 (185lbs)

April '13 - Jan '11

April '13 - Jan '11

Top: April '13,  Bottom: Dec '12 

Proud to say I've gone from having no backhandspring to having a clean standing bhs, series jumps to bhs, r/o double, standing tuck and r/o tuck. Working on series jumps to tuck and standing bhs to tuck (my quads are my best friends, can you tell? haha) 

To anyone struggling: your body deserves more. feed it heathy food and push it hard (in moderation of course). Don't starve it and let it break down. You deserve better, you deserve to be beautiful. You only get one body and one life, dont spend it hating yourself or your body. Go out and get strong and beautiful. At one point I NEVER thought I could do this (read this blog and believe it for yourself); but I did. and I still am. 

You will never lose weight by hating and punishing yourself. You have to be positive, be able to get back up when you fall off the wagon or have a shitty day. And that takes self-love and determination.

Say this out loud, right now: I deserve to be as beautiful on the outside as I know I am on the inside. I can do this. 

I deserve to be as beautiful on the outside as I know I am on the inside. I can do this. 

-N

hi world

hey everyone who still checks this blog(:

i just wanted to let yall know that i'm still alive. i'm happy to say that my disordered eating and warped thoughts have substantially decreased, to the point where i feel like a normal member of society.

right now i'm just trying to be healthy; lots of water, fruits and veggies, carbs protiens and fats in the right amount. i'm not focusing on how much i weigh, but instead i'm measuring and trying to reduce my body fat percentage. i do cardio and weightlifting whenever i can fit into my schedule.

it wouldnt be fair to say that i love myself now; i do have my low days. i'm trying to be happy with myself before i seek happiness in others. if i hated myself this process wouldnt be possible: living a healthy lifestyle is hard for me. its much easier to fall back into being lazy and eating shit. putting myself down wouldnt make this process any easier. instead i remind myself that i'm worth it, and that i deserve to be happy and look as beautiful and healthy as i feel.

reading my past blog posts tears open a still healing part of me. but i'm leaving them up, to let people know that you can change your life and way of thinking if you are so unhappy with the way your life is. feed your body beautiful natural food to be beautiful; i hurts me to see others suffering just as i've suffered, miserable, hungry and in so much pain both physically and mentally.

i love you all, no matter your size. and you deserve better than the misery this mental state causes. you can learn to be happy and beautiful, just as i have.

xoxo n

breakfast:
coffe + creamer (120 cals, ?g protein)
1c kashi go lean cereal (140 cals, 13g protein)

snack:
4 sushi (173 cals, 4g protein)
grape soda (180 cals, 0g protien)

so far: 613 cals, 17g protein

ok, so i messed up on the grape soda. but whatever. i'll just eat an egg white before practice and a protein bar for dinner and call it even :]

hiatus

sorry for the hiatus.

long story short, after my last post my depression kind of caught up with me again. And then I sprained the ligaments in my ankle at cheer practice and was on crutches for 2 weeks, i have to wear a brace 24/7 and i'm still not allowed to jump or tumble at practice. i don't know if you knew but cheer is my life, so that didn't really help with the depression thing. i'm on painkillers a lot and i just have to sit and watch people at practice which kills me.

i also gained weight because i stopped my phys. ed routine, so now i'm up to 185. its kind of gross. i'm not even going to think about spring break thats in a week (i'm going to florida in a week), but i need to loose some of this extra weight. i'm just going to try to eat <1000 calories and pray my body doesn't go into starvation mode. i need to start drinking lots of water and eating lots of protein (68g).

breakfast:
1 cup rice chex (100 cals, 2 g protein)
1 mango (130 cals, 1g protein)
1 egg white (17 cals, 4g protein)

lunch:
1/2 chipotle burrito (437 cals, 12g protien)

total so far: 684 cals, 19 g protein

down to 175.1. going on a diet, hope to get some diet pills soon. new goal: 160 by my birthday (march 15)

xoxo

i was doing so well.

last sunday morning i weighed 172.8. i was so close to breaking into the 160s. so close, i could taste it. i was so excited. i had been restricting all last week and thought that maybe i would try to eat like a normal person when i went to a superbowl party. i had small amounts of cheese dip, guacamole and a little cake to celebrate. i come home and weigh myself.

178.9

i lost it. i literally almost grabbed for my razor and cut my wrists open. i starve for an entire week, eat normally once, and i become a jiggling fat ass again. do you know how long it took to take off those pounds? it felt like an eternity. i gave up. i've been eating like a normal person-eggs for breakfast, salad for lunch and whatever my parents are eating for dinner-and now i'm almost back up to 180. i hate this. i starve for as long as i can until i ruin it with a binge, normally gaining all the weight back that i had lost when restricting. and then i just give up on ana. i become a fat ass again, asking my friends if they have food and eating nutella when i come home. why won't this work for me? that's why i didnt update. i was too ashamed. nobody follows this blog anyway. the only reason i haven't stopped is because i still need somewhere to write my thoughts. but maybe i will one of these days, a day when i just don't feel like explaining it all to you any more. my every thought and failure. i have been trying for a year now and i havent lost anything. i'm right back where i started. and i am so close to just taking a razor to my stomach, thighs, arms and just cutting it off. i want it off. but it wont come off.

im crying now. i just want it off, i just want to feel pretty for once in my life. i just want people to like me.

unhappy

so apparently i gained like 3 pounds over the three days surrounding the concert. i normally officially weigh myself in the morning right after going to the bathroom, but lately i've been seeing so much difference between my weight in the morning and my weight at night. i know its food, water weight, whatever, but i still hate seeing that number on the scale. it tears me down.

i'm beginning to be unhappy again. my friends are leaving me, i guess i didn't do such a great job choosing them in the first place. i hate highschool, and it really started hitting a nerve this past week and i am so ready just to run away, somewhere else than virginia. i hate virginia. it's ugly and disgusting, and the people here are ugly and disgusting. never come here.

at this point in time all i want is to reach the 160's, and to sleep more.

I have pictures of myself that i was going to post, but then i had to remind myself that a grand total of about 2 people read this. and i worry that people surfing ana blogs would see them and be repulsed and leave.

"that fat girl? she cant have an eating disorder. she's like, obese. ha ha ha. maybe she binge eats! ewwww!"

welcome to the voices in my head.