sweet sixteen

so, i haven't been doing very well here with all the food (1000-1500 cals/day meals) but i've been watching myself and i don't feel myself getting any bigger. i wish there was a scale here.

i've decided that i'm going to put myself on track to be 120-110 by june, when school lets out. i really want a bellybutton piercing and i've been looking into getting one, but my mother is dead-set against it. i'm going to see if she'll let me get one for my sweet 16 though. it's a gamble.

so by march (my birthday) i want to be 140, because then my BMI will finally be "normal" (it's been in the "obese" range my entire life). assuming that i'm still 175, that means i have to loose 0.4 lbs/day to make it. 0.4 lbs=1,400 cals, and my BMR is 1600, so that's basically like 200 cals/day. i think i might just follow the skinny girl diet because i had some good results with that. i just have to remember to keep drinking water so that i'm not fooled by just loosing water weight.

lets see...

egg whites (3) (51 cals)
toasted bread (40 cals)

lunch, nothing

after school snack:
green tea smoothie (85 cals)
(green tea, blueberries, lemon)

dinner:
romaine salad (10 cals)
soybeans (? cals)

total: ~186 cals

i got a single-cup blender for christmas for making smoothies. i'm definitely going to start having breakfast smoothies more. i need to find a way to incorporate caffeine into them, though. normally i drink coffee in the mornings but i probably wouldn't if i were to have a smoothie. my problem is i want to find a way to incorporate caffeine and protein into a breakfast shake. i have vanilla flavored whey protein that i often have after cheer practice, but i feel like combining vanilla whey protein with green tea (caffeine) would taste a little weird for a breakfast shake. plus i love eating toast & egg whites in the morning, but the combined calories between those and coffee are just too much.

do you guys have any good smoothie ideas? any favorites? :]

xoxo

day 2

scale says: ???

breakfast:
nothing

lunch:
pear (45 cals)
2 slices veggie pizza (?? cals)
diet snapple (0 cals)

junk food:
chocolate covered pretzels (3) (375 cals)
sugar cookies (3) (120 cals)
pound cake (100 cals)
chocolate truffle (105 cals)

exercise (-150 cals)

total so far: 595 cals

couldn't resist the pound cake, or the chocolate covered pretzels. i feel like such a fat ass (which i am). but i did work out and burned off a little. the machines in the gym here at the hotel are amazing, and i'm pretty sure if i restrict tomorrow i can burn it all off :]

i feel like such an awful sister. I totally forgot to get a gift for my sister. i'm going to make her a coupon book with little things like "1 free pass to watch a baby show when i want to watch normal television" (i hate baby shows) and "1 free pass to squish a spider" (she's f-ing terrified of them) or "1 free baking pass" for when she needs something baked for school the next day, and i'll bake it for her. i feel like that's not enough though. i want to to get her a hallmark card, but i have no idea where there is a hallmark in myrtle. grrrr. plus i left all my money at home so my mom will have to buy the card for me (uggh). i feel so shallow.

holiday, day 1

so we arrived in myrtle beach today. i definitely binged on all the food my grandparents bought, but i've decided that i'm NOT going to let myself go and gain weight this week. I did that last year and gained about 10 pounds, and not to mention that i became severely depressed soon after.

so i made myself a list of reasons why i will not eat the fatty, sugary foods that we have down here:

1) Nicky lost weight, so the next time I see him, I want to be beautifully thin as well and awe him.
2) I want to be thin so that I can feel small in comparison to Nate, who is totally ripped (and probably won't go out with a fat girl anyway)
3) I want to continue to make my goals so that I will be my perfect weight when summer comes
4) I need to make my goal of 100 lbs so that i can get my BELLY BUTTON PIERCED. (before summer, yes? :])
5) i want to be thinner than my best friend (who just happens to dance ballet)
6) i want to be thinner than my sister (who does crew)
7) I want to lose 70 lbs by summer and see the looks on people's faces who haven't seen me in a long time and still remember me as "that heavy girl"
8) i never want my thighs to touch. ever. again.

btw, there's no scale in the condo. does anyone have another method of adequately weighing yourself without one?

xoxo

holiday is imminent

scale says: 171.4 (-2.9 lbs)

sorry i haven't been blogging lately. if you don't see a blog update from me in a while, check my stats box/ticker. i'll keep updating my weight :]

really busy with school and holiday. been trying to stick to the skinny girl diet, weight went back down to 171.4 :] i've calculated that to be the weight i want to be over the summer i have to loose .5 lbs/day. easy enough with a 500 cal diet. i'm just really worried about not getting my body the right nutrients. i want to stay pretty and healthy, and i do NOT want loose skin when i loose my 70 lbs :] taking off weight is pretty easy for me if i restrict, but i don't really see a difference because i'm loosing muscle mass, not fat. and loosing muscle is going to make cheer a lot harder as well. oh well. we'll see.

leaving for myrtle beach tomorrow. haven't packed yet. scared to death i'm going to gain weight.

i have to be 169.9 by the 27th<3

xoxo

failure

Skinny Girl Diet
day 7

scale says 174.3 (+2.0 lbs)

breakfast:
nothing (0 cals)
TOTAL: 0 cals

lunch/holiday party:
macaroni
chips/gauc
hershy kiss/pretzel/m&m
sprite
orange crush
apple cider
fudge flies
chocolate straw
carrots/helluva good dip
roll
TOTAL: fghjgbyuki cals

dinner:
nothing (0 cals)
TOTAL: 0 cals

DAY TOTAL: too many cals (limit 650)

ate too much at the holiday party, don't really want to tally it up. gained two pounds from yesterday's binge, probably gained more today. god i hate myself so much.

now i have to go do a shitload of homework for school tomorrow. one more week till holiday.

i want a boyfriend so badly.

xoxo

success

Skinny Girl Diet
day 6

scale says 172.3 (-2.1 lbs)

breakfast:
vitamin water (87 cals)
vitamin water zero (0 cals)
TOTAL: 87 cals

lunch:
chipotle burrito (755 cals)
TOTAL: 755 cals

snack:
pretzel/hershey kiss/m&m (1) (35 cals)
hershy kiss (2) (44 cals)
pretzel/m&m (10) (100 cals)
TOTAL: 179 cals

dinner:
diet cheerwine (0 cals)
TOTAL: 0 cals

DAY TOTAL: 1021 cals (limit 650)

yeah, today was a big binge day. i was only planning to eat 1/2 of the chipotle burrito (which would only be ~377 cals) but then i went into binge mode and couldn't stop eating. i literally went into a food coma afterwords and could do nothing but lie on the couch my stomach hurt so much. i started thinking about purging and how badly i wanted to purge at that moment, but my entire family was in the house and would surely hear. i also was not planning on snacking so much when i made more pretzel/hershy kiss/m&m things for a holiday party i have tomorrow. speaking of the holiday party, i have no idea what i'm going to do. there's going to be junk food everywhere and we're eating lunch there. i'll probably have to look up calories on my phone. uggh.

this morning before my binge my mom walked into the kitchen and told me that i looked skinnier. i'm really upset because even though i have lost a little over 10lbs i still can't see a change and SHE thinks i'm getting smaller, which means she's going to start asking about my eating habits more.

i'm frightened of stepping on the scale tomorrow. im trying to enjoy the days where i lose a pound per day before my weightless shrinks to the fractions of a pound, and if today's binge makes me gain weight i'm going to be so upset.

xoxo

awkward eating

Skinny Girl Diet
day 5

scale says 174.4 (-1.1 lbs)

breakfast:
coffee+creamer (120 cals)
TOTAL: 120 cals

lunch: nothing
TOTAL: 0 cals

snack:
chocolate chip cookie (85 cals)
hershey kisses (4) (92 cals)
provolone cheese (1 slice) (90 cals)
TOTAL: 267 cals

dinner:
diet cheerwine (0 cals)
pickle (0 cals)
TOTAL: 0 cals

DAY TOTAL: 387 cals (limit 450)

it's incredible how munchies can add up so fast. i was very excited to have a good dinner tonight because i thought i hadn't really eaten anything else during the day, but it turns out i only had 63 calories to spare so i just skipped. that sucks. on a positive note i can't believe i lost 1.1 lbs since yesterday! it seems too true to believe, and i know it wasn't just water weight. the skinny girl diet really seems to be working, especially when my body was used to 1600-2000 calorie diet (yuck). have you guys tried SGD? how much did you loose?

xoxo

holidays

Skinny Girl Diet
day 4

scale says 175.5 (-0.3 lbs)

breakfast:
coffee+creamer (120 cals)
TOTAL: 120 cals

lunch: nothing
TOTAL: 0 cals

snack:
pickle (0 cals)
pretzel/hershykiss/m&m (6) (200 cals)
TOTAL: 175 cals

dinner:
2/3 cup scalloped potatoes (100cal)
tofu chicken strips (2) (73 cals)
1/2 green beans (15cals)
TOTAL: 223 cals

DAY TOTAL: 553 cals (limit 500)

so-so day. was doing amazing until i made those awesome pretzel/hershykiss/m&m things.



...aaaaand then i ate five of them. ech. i'm just really worried about holiday that's coming up. we're going to the beach to be with my dad's side of the family and they always have junk food everywhere all the time. i'm talking krispy kreme doughnuts, cookies, chocolate covered nuts, eggnog, sugared pecans, white chocolate pecans. it's bad. i gained so much weight last time that i practically became suicidal (no joke). i'm going to have to learn how to cope, restrict, and exercise it all off (the hotel has a gym).
it's terrible because i'm going to be watched by everyone about what i eat, especially by my mother. if they offer me food and i don't eat it it's kind of an insult. so i have no idea what im going to do.

skinny girl diet

i woke up today and was like "oh, ill eat something." the stuffing of my face continued until i got home. uggh.

Skinny Girl Diet
(starting on day 3=wednesday)

breakfast:
1 egg + butter (~110 cals)
1/2 glass OJ (50 cals)
coffee + creamer (~120 cals)

TOTAL: 280 cals

Lunch:

french fries (128 cals)

catchup (25 cals)

TOTAL: 153 cals

Snack:

3/4 cup white rice (153 cals)

TOTAL: 153 cals

DAY TOTAL: 586 cals (limit 400)

i wasn't making the smartest decisions today. forgot to weigh myself this morning but will definitely remember to tomorrow. i'm going to go walk off 186 cals on my treadmill and hope to god we don't have a sit-down dinner so that i can flush my food down the toilet.

xoxo
p.s. this pic again because i love it so much and this is exactly what i want to look like :]]]

hello world, i'm back

long story short: got sick, lost weight, became determined to loose some more.

cw: 175.8

meal plan for this week:
Breakfast-
"diet" toast (40 cals) + 1tbsp or 1/2 tbsp Nutella (100/50 cals)
1/2 glass orange juice (50 cals)
TOTAL: 190

Lunch:
Grilled cheese (2 slices bread = 80 cals, slice cheese = 45 cals, total = 125 cals)
Romaine salad (10 cals)
hard boiled egg (just whites, 17 cals)
TOTAL: 152

Dinner = 1/3 of whatever my family is eating (<500 cals)

BMR= 1600cals/day

just want to loose some of this weight.
i've got a crush on this one guy who i haven't seen since last year. had a couple classes together, flirted hard, but this year we have NO classes together and i never see him in the hallways or anything. i saw him after school in my chemistry room and we totally hit it off again so i deff want to see more of him. buuuuuut then there is this guy who i met over holiday and he's cute and really tall and has a BRITISH ACCENT (ohmygodiknow) and he is like totally in love with me, but he's an eighth grader (yeah i know. me = sophomore). its a little weird, but i find myself crushing on him at the same time. he invited me ice skating. i still have no idea what to do. eerk.

xoxo


^^ i'm getting one when i hit 100lbs<3

i lied.

i can do this. this is my form of suicide. i can make them wish they had me back. my time has come.
CW: 179.8

Today is the day things change.

so, a lot of stuff has just happened.

1) I just watched a video about a guy who lost 236 pounds in 2 years. and it wasnt your average weight-loss video, he was seriously inspiring. i cried.

2) Cheer tryouts are in 27 days. i went to weight training yesterday and was talking with coach and i found out how really out of shape i am. so i started this workout plan that i am going to stick to (through the motivation of said youtuber):

Morning: Run 1 mile
Afternoon: Sprints

followed by various stretches, exercises and cheerleading jumps that i have to work on. its pretty intense for me. i ran this morning, and it was a disaster. 1) the goddamn safety pull thing came off mid-run and cleared out all of my information, not to mention it stopped the treadmill so fast i almost tripped and fell. so i have no idea what my mile time is. and 2) after i got off the treadmill i started stretching, and as soon as i bent over i felt sick to my stomach, so i didnt do any of the other excersizes i needed to do. but im not going to give up.

you see, this is different. this time im not going to look at the number on the scale, for once. this is not to loose weight, but to build up my cardio so that i can go out and actually do a high-intensity routine for three straight minutes and totally rock it. i want to get in shape. and if that means loosing 50 pounds, so be it. but i think that i would still be comfortable if i was in shape, had great tumbling skills and was strong, and still weighed 150 or 160 (btw: cw=178.3ish. havent weighed in a couple days tho). so yeah. good stuff.

love you guys.

you know, sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads this. i haven't really tried promoting my blog because i don't want people i know to know about it. that makes sense, right?

new directions?

howdy internets. so i've started on this new diet type thing, where i have calculated that i need to loose .7 pounds a day to make my goal of 120 by the end of summer. i started at 178.8, and today im supposed to be 173 something, but i kinda splurged yesterday and today, so i just weighed myself at 174.9.

im really hating this summer. i have conditioning on mondays, weightlifting on tuesdays, and tumbling on thursdays. it started the week that school got out, and i haven't even attended one of them yet. i really dont want to go because i feel really insecure about my weight because everyone else is realllly skinny, but im gonna have to if i want to make varsity :/

on a different note ive just recently began watching the shows Pretty Little Liars and Glee (yes, i know its over). they're awesome, and i find myself relating to hannah on PPL a lot more than i probably should. if you watch the show you'll know what i mean.

also, (i use that word way too much), i have stumbled upon the wonderful art of chewing and spitting. one of my biggest faults is that i only eat because i like the taste, and i RARELY (emphasis on the word RARELY) ever feel hungry/hunger pains. so i tried it today at lunch with some ritz crackers, and i think im hooked. a plus is that my mom is still working and my dad is doing some work on our boat that is currently sitting in our driveway so i basically have the house all to myself (until this weekend).

OH MY GOSH. i forgot to tell you that I GOT MY BRACES OFF!! im so excited. thats what prompted another weight-loss attempt :]] tomorrow (wednesday) im going to pick up my retainer, and guess what color it is? GLOW IN THE DARK!! (well, its not really a color, but whatever). i literally think that just made my life.

xoxo

just a pretty face.

I just want someone to tell me im beautiful. I want someone to notice me, to tell me that im too good for ana. to tell me to stop doing this to myself, to actually give a shit about me. but im fat, so that will never happen. im a hundred and seventy five fucking pounds, and i will never be pretty. not until i am thin. not until i am good enough for society, good enough to be treated as an equal. and I will never be good enough to be treated as beautiful. this is my silent cry, my plea, for someone. anyone. how i would love to tell this to my friends, to show them this blog, to show them this post, but then they would know. and they can never know, because if your face isnt pretty then nobody cares, nobody gives a shit what you say. so if your reading this, just know that you are the only people to ever know this side of me. the side that is too fat for society, too fat for beauty. and because of that, i only have ana. and she could make my life a living hell, so ive decided to embrace her. to use her as a friend to get to the place in life where i want to be.

but for now, its killing me inside not to be cared about. and im loosing reasons to live.

x

counting calories

ive been counting calories using an app on my ipod lately. glad to report that i have lost 3 pounds and have gotten out of the scary, almost-180 lapse i went through.

I've got to do it...

I've got to loose weight. it's not a choice anymore. I can't even fit into my "fat" jeans, and when I do they cut into the fat over my hipbones. it's gross, and by the end of the day I just want to run home to my sweatpants.

I went to a site that tells you how many calories you need per day to maintain your current weight, and it told me I needed to eat ~2000 calories a day. yuck. right now I weigh 175.3... I want to be 155 by the end of school (june 24), so that gives me 39 days to loose 20.3 pounds. that means I'm shooting to loose .6 of a pound a day (which ends up being 2100 calories I need to burn, but I'm trying to ignore that because I know I can't go a day without eating anything). so tomorrow I need to be 174.7. yess.

good news? 5 low-fat Ritz crackers are only 70 calories. and I fucking love Ritz.

xoxo

[[no thinspo pic today 'cuz i had to type his on my iPod<3]]

hope

so i was watching an episode of V that my dad recorded and it was the one where the alien girl took all of her clothes off. yeah, she's really hot. and that kinda gave me hope that someday i WILL look like that. i've totally got the potential, i've just got to apply myself. i made me think, 'if she can do it, and if she can look that hot, i can look that hot too and get a boyfriend like that.' 'cuz i dont know if y'all know but that is the thing i want most, after a smokin' bod- a bf. and if that level of hotness is attracted to that type of body, that means if i can get that type of body i can get that level of hotness. make sense? i'm kinda rambling in fragmented sentences right now. im really tired, i need to go to bed-- getting up early tomorrow to pack to go to FL! too bad i still have cellulite D': good news is that im back down to 171. yay?

love you long time
xoxo


p.s: the last one is my favorite ;]]

i hate it.

i am so, so sorry. the whole fasting thing just crashed and burned, and im fatter than ever. i dont even want to go to florida for spring break anymore. I WANT TO BE SKINNY. not fat and gross!! i just can not seem to loose weight! even when i eat a normal 1200 cals a day, walk around a ton and go to softball practice where i literally am running my ass off. I HATE IT. and im getting sick and tired of it too. i just want to loose some fucking weight people. i want to be happy. dont i have the right to be happy? i want to get a boyfriend and have him love my body. i want to wear a bikini and not have to worry about people being disgusted with my cellulite. ITS NOT FAIR. i have no control. i have no say in anything. at night i sit and cry and swear to myself that im not going to eat anything the next day, and then i wake up and stuff my face. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

sunday, march 21

food:

OJ

2 egg whites, scrambled

cupcake

1/4 cup lo mein

3/4 cup white rice

1 cup pasta w/ steamed veggies

glass OJ

cupcake

5 hershey kisses

2 cookies

weight: 173.0 (!!! how the FUCK did that happen?)

days till spring break: 7

yeah, i know. today was probably my worst 'cuz i was actually enjoying food as i was eating it.

anyway, spring break is officially in one week, so i am going to do my 'hail mary' diet, which consists of eating nothing, drinking a ton of water, chewing gum all the time, extra fidgeting/moving, and running a mile a day (maybe not that last one 'cuz now i have softball practice). i now remember how i stuck with this diet in the past-- every time i would think of eating something i would go into the kitchen and chug a glass of water. it always made my stomach hurt and i no longer wanted to eat anything. try it-- it works.

but this time i am going to have a little spin off of it. i am going to have a menu planned out for the entire week of "safe foods" or foods that add up to under 500 calories a day so that i do have something to eat if i give in, and it won't be catastrophic and kill my entire fast week.

breakfast: 2 egg whites(34cals), 1/2 glass of OJ(55cals) (89 cals total)

lunch: boiled egg white(17cals), small salad (10cals) (27 cals total)

dinner: skip, or a bowl of special K/other healthy cereal (lessthan150cals)

drinking water ALL THE TIME. im shooting for 200 ounces a day.

"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief 

that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul 

shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, 

you are not attractive--you are leaking. "

- Fran Lebowitz

saturday, march 20

food:
70 white chocolate chips
1 1/2 cups lo mein
1 diet cheerwine
bag of movie butter popcorn
20 hershey kisses
1 cup white rice
1 cup lo mein
5 more hershey kisses
weight: 174.1
days till summer break: 8

wow, i eat really unhealthily. maybe it will finally sink in and i will feel to humiliated to eat a lot and still have to tell you guys. oh well. i think the reason it is really hard for me to stop eating again is not only because i have absolutely no willpower, but because that results in me not loosing a lot of weight. so i don't see the numbers drop like i would want them to. 3 or 4 days into not eating i am totally on a roll and can expect to loose a pound a day, but the first couple days i loose NOTHING, even when i don't eat anything (im talking like only water and gum).

what have i done?

friday, march 19
1/2 cup buttered, salted eggs
one glass OJ
coffee w/ creamer
two medium fries
1/2 glass milk
one boiled egg white
one pk fruit snacks
2 tbsp trail mix
1 1/2 cups white rice
3/4 cup lo mein
1 glass milk
brownie
weight: 174.9
days till summer break: 9

i feel humiliated and ashamed sitting here typing this.
on the plus side i made myself puke for the first time. im not gonna lie, it's fucking scary.

oh god ana, please forgive me.

break

sorry i havent posted for a while. life caught up with me.

so ive been eating like a normal person for days now. havent had the heart to weigh myself. my life is so much better with ana.

i am SO FUCKING SORE from tumbling/conditioning. phew. ok i wont whine about it any more :]

monday: conditioning/tumbling
tuesday: cheer practice/game
wednesday: cheer practice
thursday: conditioning/tumbling
friday: cheer practice/game

i need to stop eating. the problem is, at school i get hunger pains really easily because i dont eat breakfast and im walking around all the time. they get really bad (worse than cramps) and my stomach makes rumbling noises. ive tried chewing gum but i end up chewing like 9 sticks and at the moment i dont have any more :[

im going to go to bed now. night.

xoxo

grrrrr.

good news: I started tumbling lessons and softball conditioning. I absolutely fail at tumbling but I've decided to not let the judgement of the other girls bother me, becaue we all have to start somewhere. i can tell that il be burning alot of calories with those combined.

bad news: I ate like a normal person again today. hunger pains were ripping at my stomach by the time lunch rolled around, and normally I would be so happy but all I was concerned about was getting something to eat before I passed out.

anyway, tomorrows goal is 100 cals. don't really have any excersizing I need to do, but I do have a girls basketball game I'm cheering at after school. I want to be at least 20 pounds lighter by march for my 15th birthday.

xoxo

fuckin wagon

fell off the wagon. mustve eaten 1200 cals today. hopefully next week will be better because i have conditioning everyday after school.
good news is that i was 165.8 this morning. guessing back up to 170 tonight.

bad news. last night i let myself think about how much i would love for a guy to love me. then i thought about my bestfriend who went to a different highschool. then i thought of school and homework. and i kinda spiraled. ended up cutting on my hip. never done it anywhere but my wrist before. kinda scary, but i knew i couldn't have people seeing it with all the shit i have this week. ohhhhh well. hope scars wont show when i have a bathing suit on. summers a while off anyway :/

homework homework homework, how i hate you. going to bed soon if i can finish. gah.

xoxo

a quickie.

ate nothing today till we went over to an old friends house for dinner. ate it all, plus dessert.

have a shit ton of stuff coming up with school, softball and cheer. i want to see if i can get private lessons for cheer- im hoping to make varsity next year but you need your back handspring.

feeling like a fat cow again. i see fat fat fat in the mirror... again. after i gorged myself the other day my weight went back up to 170.

something i dont understand- i starve and beat myself up for over a week to loose 5 pounds, but eat like a normal person for one day AND GAIN IT ALL BACK?! FIVE FUCKING POUNDS?!?

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xoxo

this year

this year, i want to grow more distant from my family. i want to grow closer to ana, and let her shape and mold my body until im perfect. i want to fall in love. i want to be truly happy for once. i want to go to bed and not toss and turn for hours with worry and anxiety. i want to escape the life that has caged me and start new. i want to be loved and adored, happy and popular. all of this with ana by my side.

amen.
xoxo