down to 175.1. going on a diet, hope to get some diet pills soon. new goal: 160 by my birthday (march 15)

xoxo

i was doing so well.

last sunday morning i weighed 172.8. i was so close to breaking into the 160s. so close, i could taste it. i was so excited. i had been restricting all last week and thought that maybe i would try to eat like a normal person when i went to a superbowl party. i had small amounts of cheese dip, guacamole and a little cake to celebrate. i come home and weigh myself.

178.9

i lost it. i literally almost grabbed for my razor and cut my wrists open. i starve for an entire week, eat normally once, and i become a jiggling fat ass again. do you know how long it took to take off those pounds? it felt like an eternity. i gave up. i've been eating like a normal person-eggs for breakfast, salad for lunch and whatever my parents are eating for dinner-and now i'm almost back up to 180. i hate this. i starve for as long as i can until i ruin it with a binge, normally gaining all the weight back that i had lost when restricting. and then i just give up on ana. i become a fat ass again, asking my friends if they have food and eating nutella when i come home. why won't this work for me? that's why i didnt update. i was too ashamed. nobody follows this blog anyway. the only reason i haven't stopped is because i still need somewhere to write my thoughts. but maybe i will one of these days, a day when i just don't feel like explaining it all to you any more. my every thought and failure. i have been trying for a year now and i havent lost anything. i'm right back where i started. and i am so close to just taking a razor to my stomach, thighs, arms and just cutting it off. i want it off. but it wont come off.

im crying now. i just want it off, i just want to feel pretty for once in my life. i just want people to like me.

unhappy

so apparently i gained like 3 pounds over the three days surrounding the concert. i normally officially weigh myself in the morning right after going to the bathroom, but lately i've been seeing so much difference between my weight in the morning and my weight at night. i know its food, water weight, whatever, but i still hate seeing that number on the scale. it tears me down.

i'm beginning to be unhappy again. my friends are leaving me, i guess i didn't do such a great job choosing them in the first place. i hate highschool, and it really started hitting a nerve this past week and i am so ready just to run away, somewhere else than virginia. i hate virginia. it's ugly and disgusting, and the people here are ugly and disgusting. never come here.

at this point in time all i want is to reach the 160's, and to sleep more.

I have pictures of myself that i was going to post, but then i had to remind myself that a grand total of about 2 people read this. and i worry that people surfing ana blogs would see them and be repulsed and leave.

"that fat girl? she cant have an eating disorder. she's like, obese. ha ha ha. maybe she binge eats! ewwww!"

welcome to the voices in my head.

smooth

everything went pretty well at the concert. my friend ate, i ate. her friends were cool. 30 seconds to mars was unbelievably amazing. i think i lost 10 pounds of water weight too lol.

i was doing pretty well today until i had some nutella and some chinese food for dinner. i've decided that this concert is going to mark the beginning of me loosing. every day i want to be lighter. and it will happen. i bought a t-shirt at the concert and i got in it a Large, but it's still really small. like it won't even fit my boobs. but i swear, i swear, that this shirt will be hanging off of me by summer. i will use it as a fucking coverup in my beautiful two piece bathing suit i will be strutting around in. i will.

i'm going to start keeping track of how much i've lost on my mirror. hopefully my family won't think much of it.
hw: 185.6
cw: 173.9 (i'm guessing i've lost, but that's my last weigh-in)
gw: 110

11.7 lbs down.
63.9 to go.

stay lovely ladies
xoxo