new directions?

howdy internets. so i've started on this new diet type thing, where i have calculated that i need to loose .7 pounds a day to make my goal of 120 by the end of summer. i started at 178.8, and today im supposed to be 173 something, but i kinda splurged yesterday and today, so i just weighed myself at 174.9.

im really hating this summer. i have conditioning on mondays, weightlifting on tuesdays, and tumbling on thursdays. it started the week that school got out, and i haven't even attended one of them yet. i really dont want to go because i feel really insecure about my weight because everyone else is realllly skinny, but im gonna have to if i want to make varsity :/

on a different note ive just recently began watching the shows Pretty Little Liars and Glee (yes, i know its over). they're awesome, and i find myself relating to hannah on PPL a lot more than i probably should. if you watch the show you'll know what i mean.

also, (i use that word way too much), i have stumbled upon the wonderful art of chewing and spitting. one of my biggest faults is that i only eat because i like the taste, and i RARELY (emphasis on the word RARELY) ever feel hungry/hunger pains. so i tried it today at lunch with some ritz crackers, and i think im hooked. a plus is that my mom is still working and my dad is doing some work on our boat that is currently sitting in our driveway so i basically have the house all to myself (until this weekend).

OH MY GOSH. i forgot to tell you that I GOT MY BRACES OFF!! im so excited. thats what prompted another weight-loss attempt :]] tomorrow (wednesday) im going to pick up my retainer, and guess what color it is? GLOW IN THE DARK!! (well, its not really a color, but whatever). i literally think that just made my life.

xoxo

just a pretty face.

I just want someone to tell me im beautiful. I want someone to notice me, to tell me that im too good for ana. to tell me to stop doing this to myself, to actually give a shit about me. but im fat, so that will never happen. im a hundred and seventy five fucking pounds, and i will never be pretty. not until i am thin. not until i am good enough for society, good enough to be treated as an equal. and I will never be good enough to be treated as beautiful. this is my silent cry, my plea, for someone. anyone. how i would love to tell this to my friends, to show them this blog, to show them this post, but then they would know. and they can never know, because if your face isnt pretty then nobody cares, nobody gives a shit what you say. so if your reading this, just know that you are the only people to ever know this side of me. the side that is too fat for society, too fat for beauty. and because of that, i only have ana. and she could make my life a living hell, so ive decided to embrace her. to use her as a friend to get to the place in life where i want to be.

but for now, its killing me inside not to be cared about. and im loosing reasons to live.

x