daily and summer goals

i have new daily goals:
1) drink 3+ liters of water.
2) take all vitamins/medicines
3) stay under daily calorie limit

for this summer, i'm kinda facing a dilemma. i can either go live with my grandparents in delaware and get a job at a coffee shop, or i can stay here and get a job at a bakery somewhere (i love to bake and im pretty good at it, not to be cocky). but if i went to delaware, i wouldn't be able to re-do my room. buuut then i wouldn't get a tan, or be able to staff at camp crossroads. i have some goals i definitely want to meet though:

-repaint room
-get skinny
-get license (i have my permit now)
-get a job/some income
-staff at camp crossroads

i think all these options are pointing to me staying home, but that means i have to be around my parents all summer (and i won't get a tan >:[). uggh. i have no idea what i'm going to do.

xoxo

fake as a fucking barbie.

I haven't been doing so well with the whole diet thing. weighed in at 176 this morning but i binged all day. ill easily be back up to 182 by tonight.

all of my "friends" have stopped eating. i don't know what to do. they aren't really my friends anymore. i don't have real friends. they're all fake and it's killing me.

i am dying for a boyfriend. i have no idea why. my hormones are out of control and i just feel like i need someone in my life who thinks im pretty and loves me. but the shitty thing is that i know that will never happen because i'm fat and unattractive. i can't even get a pity date. i'm the "grenade" in my group of really fake, hot "friends." it fucking sucks.

im just feeling really fat and depressed. i have no motivation to get any homework done. my grades are probably falling. i have no guy friends. actually, i have no REAL friends.

i fucking hate high school. i want to move to south carolina and live with my grandparents. or delaware with my other grandparents. just anywhere but here. i am so sick and tired of the fake douche-bag people in northern virginia.

and nobody calls me pretty. ever. not in real life, not on facebook. i know that i'm not pretty, but i would love if you would just lie to me just fucking once just so that i can feel loved.

i guess i'll never get that belly button piercing.

throwing it.

scale says: 178.1

breakfast:
coffee + creamer
eggs
toast + jam

lunch:
french fries
stacy's pita chips

snack:
shitton of chocolate chip oatmeal cookies
cranberry raspberry fuze

dinner:
2 mushroom burgers + ketchup
bread + soup
milk
mango/strawberry protein shake


i. am. so. disgusting.


i threw my back handspring at practice today. i almost have it. i want to throw it in competition.

2 goals:
be 140 by march, even if it means downright starving myself for weeks
throw my back handspring in competition in march

march. that's the magic month.

i will do this.
i will be beautiful.
or i will die trying.


xoxo

relief

Scale says: 175.9

I am so relieved i didn't gain that much weight. if i had come home and i had been over 180, i think i would have had another mental breakdown. note to self: next year, bring a scale. 175.9 is nothing a week of SkinnyGirlDiet can't take care of. But i'm still aiming to be 140 in march. that's my goal for now (then 110 in june :]).

did somewhat ok on eating today. will do better tomorrow, though.

xoxo

sweet sixteen

so, i haven't been doing very well here with all the food (1000-1500 cals/day meals) but i've been watching myself and i don't feel myself getting any bigger. i wish there was a scale here.

i've decided that i'm going to put myself on track to be 120-110 by june, when school lets out. i really want a bellybutton piercing and i've been looking into getting one, but my mother is dead-set against it. i'm going to see if she'll let me get one for my sweet 16 though. it's a gamble.

so by march (my birthday) i want to be 140, because then my BMI will finally be "normal" (it's been in the "obese" range my entire life). assuming that i'm still 175, that means i have to loose 0.4 lbs/day to make it. 0.4 lbs=1,400 cals, and my BMR is 1600, so that's basically like 200 cals/day. i think i might just follow the skinny girl diet because i had some good results with that. i just have to remember to keep drinking water so that i'm not fooled by just loosing water weight.

lets see...

egg whites (3) (51 cals)
toasted bread (40 cals)

lunch, nothing

after school snack:
green tea smoothie (85 cals)
(green tea, blueberries, lemon)

dinner:
romaine salad (10 cals)
soybeans (? cals)

total: ~186 cals

i got a single-cup blender for christmas for making smoothies. i'm definitely going to start having breakfast smoothies more. i need to find a way to incorporate caffeine into them, though. normally i drink coffee in the mornings but i probably wouldn't if i were to have a smoothie. my problem is i want to find a way to incorporate caffeine and protein into a breakfast shake. i have vanilla flavored whey protein that i often have after cheer practice, but i feel like combining vanilla whey protein with green tea (caffeine) would taste a little weird for a breakfast shake. plus i love eating toast & egg whites in the morning, but the combined calories between those and coffee are just too much.

do you guys have any good smoothie ideas? any favorites? :]

xoxo

day 2

scale says: ???

breakfast:
nothing

lunch:
pear (45 cals)
2 slices veggie pizza (?? cals)
diet snapple (0 cals)

junk food:
chocolate covered pretzels (3) (375 cals)
sugar cookies (3) (120 cals)
pound cake (100 cals)
chocolate truffle (105 cals)

exercise (-150 cals)

total so far: 595 cals

couldn't resist the pound cake, or the chocolate covered pretzels. i feel like such a fat ass (which i am). but i did work out and burned off a little. the machines in the gym here at the hotel are amazing, and i'm pretty sure if i restrict tomorrow i can burn it all off :]

i feel like such an awful sister. I totally forgot to get a gift for my sister. i'm going to make her a coupon book with little things like "1 free pass to watch a baby show when i want to watch normal television" (i hate baby shows) and "1 free pass to squish a spider" (she's f-ing terrified of them) or "1 free baking pass" for when she needs something baked for school the next day, and i'll bake it for her. i feel like that's not enough though. i want to to get her a hallmark card, but i have no idea where there is a hallmark in myrtle. grrrr. plus i left all my money at home so my mom will have to buy the card for me (uggh). i feel so shallow.

holiday, day 1

so we arrived in myrtle beach today. i definitely binged on all the food my grandparents bought, but i've decided that i'm NOT going to let myself go and gain weight this week. I did that last year and gained about 10 pounds, and not to mention that i became severely depressed soon after.

so i made myself a list of reasons why i will not eat the fatty, sugary foods that we have down here:

1) Nicky lost weight, so the next time I see him, I want to be beautifully thin as well and awe him.
2) I want to be thin so that I can feel small in comparison to Nate, who is totally ripped (and probably won't go out with a fat girl anyway)
3) I want to continue to make my goals so that I will be my perfect weight when summer comes
4) I need to make my goal of 100 lbs so that i can get my BELLY BUTTON PIERCED. (before summer, yes? :])
5) i want to be thinner than my best friend (who just happens to dance ballet)
6) i want to be thinner than my sister (who does crew)
7) I want to lose 70 lbs by summer and see the looks on people's faces who haven't seen me in a long time and still remember me as "that heavy girl"
8) i never want my thighs to touch. ever. again.

btw, there's no scale in the condo. does anyone have another method of adequately weighing yourself without one?

xoxo