holidays

Skinny Girl Diet
day 4

scale says 175.5 (-0.3 lbs)

breakfast:
coffee+creamer (120 cals)
TOTAL: 120 cals

lunch: nothing
TOTAL: 0 cals

snack:
pickle (0 cals)
pretzel/hershykiss/m&m (6) (200 cals)
TOTAL: 175 cals

dinner:
2/3 cup scalloped potatoes (100cal)
tofu chicken strips (2) (73 cals)
1/2 green beans (15cals)
TOTAL: 223 cals

DAY TOTAL: 553 cals (limit 500)

so-so day. was doing amazing until i made those awesome pretzel/hershykiss/m&m things.



...aaaaand then i ate five of them. ech. i'm just really worried about holiday that's coming up. we're going to the beach to be with my dad's side of the family and they always have junk food everywhere all the time. i'm talking krispy kreme doughnuts, cookies, chocolate covered nuts, eggnog, sugared pecans, white chocolate pecans. it's bad. i gained so much weight last time that i practically became suicidal (no joke). i'm going to have to learn how to cope, restrict, and exercise it all off (the hotel has a gym).
it's terrible because i'm going to be watched by everyone about what i eat, especially by my mother. if they offer me food and i don't eat it it's kind of an insult. so i have no idea what im going to do.

skinny girl diet

i woke up today and was like "oh, ill eat something." the stuffing of my face continued until i got home. uggh.

Skinny Girl Diet
(starting on day 3=wednesday)

breakfast:
1 egg + butter (~110 cals)
1/2 glass OJ (50 cals)
coffee + creamer (~120 cals)

TOTAL: 280 cals

Lunch:

french fries (128 cals)

catchup (25 cals)

TOTAL: 153 cals

Snack:

3/4 cup white rice (153 cals)

TOTAL: 153 cals

DAY TOTAL: 586 cals (limit 400)

i wasn't making the smartest decisions today. forgot to weigh myself this morning but will definitely remember to tomorrow. i'm going to go walk off 186 cals on my treadmill and hope to god we don't have a sit-down dinner so that i can flush my food down the toilet.

xoxo
p.s. this pic again because i love it so much and this is exactly what i want to look like :]]]

hello world, i'm back

long story short: got sick, lost weight, became determined to loose some more.

cw: 175.8

meal plan for this week:
Breakfast-
"diet" toast (40 cals) + 1tbsp or 1/2 tbsp Nutella (100/50 cals)
1/2 glass orange juice (50 cals)
TOTAL: 190

Lunch:
Grilled cheese (2 slices bread = 80 cals, slice cheese = 45 cals, total = 125 cals)
Romaine salad (10 cals)
hard boiled egg (just whites, 17 cals)
TOTAL: 152

Dinner = 1/3 of whatever my family is eating (<500 cals)

BMR= 1600cals/day

just want to loose some of this weight.
i've got a crush on this one guy who i haven't seen since last year. had a couple classes together, flirted hard, but this year we have NO classes together and i never see him in the hallways or anything. i saw him after school in my chemistry room and we totally hit it off again so i deff want to see more of him. buuuuuut then there is this guy who i met over holiday and he's cute and really tall and has a BRITISH ACCENT (ohmygodiknow) and he is like totally in love with me, but he's an eighth grader (yeah i know. me = sophomore). its a little weird, but i find myself crushing on him at the same time. he invited me ice skating. i still have no idea what to do. eerk.

xoxo


^^ i'm getting one when i hit 100lbs<3

i lied.

i can do this. this is my form of suicide. i can make them wish they had me back. my time has come.
CW: 179.8

Today is the day things change.

so, a lot of stuff has just happened.

1) I just watched a video about a guy who lost 236 pounds in 2 years. and it wasnt your average weight-loss video, he was seriously inspiring. i cried.

2) Cheer tryouts are in 27 days. i went to weight training yesterday and was talking with coach and i found out how really out of shape i am. so i started this workout plan that i am going to stick to (through the motivation of said youtuber):

Morning: Run 1 mile
Afternoon: Sprints

followed by various stretches, exercises and cheerleading jumps that i have to work on. its pretty intense for me. i ran this morning, and it was a disaster. 1) the goddamn safety pull thing came off mid-run and cleared out all of my information, not to mention it stopped the treadmill so fast i almost tripped and fell. so i have no idea what my mile time is. and 2) after i got off the treadmill i started stretching, and as soon as i bent over i felt sick to my stomach, so i didnt do any of the other excersizes i needed to do. but im not going to give up.

you see, this is different. this time im not going to look at the number on the scale, for once. this is not to loose weight, but to build up my cardio so that i can go out and actually do a high-intensity routine for three straight minutes and totally rock it. i want to get in shape. and if that means loosing 50 pounds, so be it. but i think that i would still be comfortable if i was in shape, had great tumbling skills and was strong, and still weighed 150 or 160 (btw: cw=178.3ish. havent weighed in a couple days tho). so yeah. good stuff.

love you guys.

you know, sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads this. i haven't really tried promoting my blog because i don't want people i know to know about it. that makes sense, right?

new directions?

howdy internets. so i've started on this new diet type thing, where i have calculated that i need to loose .7 pounds a day to make my goal of 120 by the end of summer. i started at 178.8, and today im supposed to be 173 something, but i kinda splurged yesterday and today, so i just weighed myself at 174.9.

im really hating this summer. i have conditioning on mondays, weightlifting on tuesdays, and tumbling on thursdays. it started the week that school got out, and i haven't even attended one of them yet. i really dont want to go because i feel really insecure about my weight because everyone else is realllly skinny, but im gonna have to if i want to make varsity :/

on a different note ive just recently began watching the shows Pretty Little Liars and Glee (yes, i know its over). they're awesome, and i find myself relating to hannah on PPL a lot more than i probably should. if you watch the show you'll know what i mean.

also, (i use that word way too much), i have stumbled upon the wonderful art of chewing and spitting. one of my biggest faults is that i only eat because i like the taste, and i RARELY (emphasis on the word RARELY) ever feel hungry/hunger pains. so i tried it today at lunch with some ritz crackers, and i think im hooked. a plus is that my mom is still working and my dad is doing some work on our boat that is currently sitting in our driveway so i basically have the house all to myself (until this weekend).

OH MY GOSH. i forgot to tell you that I GOT MY BRACES OFF!! im so excited. thats what prompted another weight-loss attempt :]] tomorrow (wednesday) im going to pick up my retainer, and guess what color it is? GLOW IN THE DARK!! (well, its not really a color, but whatever). i literally think that just made my life.

xoxo

just a pretty face.

I just want someone to tell me im beautiful. I want someone to notice me, to tell me that im too good for ana. to tell me to stop doing this to myself, to actually give a shit about me. but im fat, so that will never happen. im a hundred and seventy five fucking pounds, and i will never be pretty. not until i am thin. not until i am good enough for society, good enough to be treated as an equal. and I will never be good enough to be treated as beautiful. this is my silent cry, my plea, for someone. anyone. how i would love to tell this to my friends, to show them this blog, to show them this post, but then they would know. and they can never know, because if your face isnt pretty then nobody cares, nobody gives a shit what you say. so if your reading this, just know that you are the only people to ever know this side of me. the side that is too fat for society, too fat for beauty. and because of that, i only have ana. and she could make my life a living hell, so ive decided to embrace her. to use her as a friend to get to the place in life where i want to be.

but for now, its killing me inside not to be cared about. and im loosing reasons to live.

x